MS.MO

It is what it is...

2011-11-06T18:19:00.002-05:00

I hear that a lot these days..."It is what it is." So, that's it, whatever situation brings you to the point of saying it, it's over, done with? You have tried all you can and now all that is left to say on the matter is "it is what it is?"

Seems a bit, well, final. We as humans have the capability to do and be whatever we want. There are situations in life that may have you down and out, but, with determination, you can change your situation. When you say "it is what it is", is their no determination? Does it mean you leave the situation in someone else's hands? Now, I believe in the power of prayer and I do tend to leave things in God's hands...I've never said, however, "it is what it is", no matter how long it may take Him to answer me.

There is a reason for every situation you are in. You may not see it at the time, but, one day, when you stop looking for the reasons, you will find them.

Or, is it? If Tony Stewart doesn't win the Chase this year, well, "it is what it is." He can't change it, as much as I am sure he would like to! When it was time for me to get a new car, I knew what I wanted. A Saturn VUE. I bought it new and have had it for almost 8 years now. It has over 100,000 miles on. It's almost time for me to be thinking what new car I may want in the future. I would be perfectly happy with another Saturn. However, they aren't making them any more...it is what it is. No matter how much I wish for another new car from Saturn, it's just not going to happen.

I guess that means you have to decide when something "is what it is." Whether the thing or situation is worth fighting for or, if...it is what it is.

The Quest for the Perfect Purse

2011-04-20T18:32:00.006-04:00

A purse is a purse... is a purse is a purse...at least that is what the man in your life might want you to believe. I know mine thinks I collect purses, like I collect Snow-Babies or anything Mary Engelbreit. Little does he know...

In reality, I am on a quest to find the "perfect" purse. I am uncertain, at this time, whether there is such a thing out there. Oh, I am sure some designers would like you to think their purses are perfect, however, it doesn't seem to matter if one spends $5 or $500 on a purse. If it's not what you've been looking for, it isn't the perfect purse. Unfortunately, sometimes you don't know it's not "the one" until after you've purchased it and used it for a while (I wonder where else we could use that analogy in our lives...).

I believe a purse is an extension of who you are; don't laugh, I am completely serious! If you carry a big, bulky (not to mention a heavy) purse, one can assume if they need a kitchen sink, you'd be the one to have it... It is a part of your fashion sense. I have to confess being fascinated and taken in with the floral theme on purses these days; not just a floral print, but, an actual flower on the purse. I know, I know I fell hard and, well, have been disappointed. Yes, they are cute...they just don't meet the criteria I have set for the perfect purse.

What is the criteria? I'm glad you asked (ha). Color really doesn't play a big part in it; well, it does depend on the season...you don't want a white purse in the fall or winter. The purse needs to be able to stand on it's own when it is set down. Not be floppy or fall over constantly (girls you know what I'm talking about). It has to be large enough to fit everything you need; i.e., wallet, cell phone (must have it's own pocket), calendar, checkbook, glasses, keys, lip gloss, etc. Large enough and yet, not too large. It must hang off your shoulder, comfortably--not constantly fall off. It would be nice to have a few zippered pockets to keep items such as coupons (DSW) that you might not use on a daily basis, but, like to have with you...just in case. It has to close all the way--no magnets or snaps that only close in the middle of the purse. The minute you drop it, everything comes out. It has to be eye catching--color, print, you name it. You have to hear, at least once a day, "oh, I love your purse!" Okay, not that last one...but, it does help when you are questioning whether or not it is "the one"...

No, I have not found the perfect purse. I still seem to have one I carry to work, one I take on vacation, one I call my shopping purse, and, one that just holds my money and driver's license...wait, wouldn't that be considered a wallet? You really don't want me to start on wallets...however, purses and wallets do go hand in hand...I digress. No, I don't collect purses, do I enjoy my quest for the perfet purse? What do you think?

Now, if only I could find the perfect pair of shoes...

Thank you for flying Delta...

2011-03-30T18:56:00.004-04:00

When was the last time you enjoyed your flight home or to anywhere? I mean REALLY enjoyed it? I had the most pleasant flight from Minneapolis to Omaha on Monday. All thanks to Robert, our lone steward (is that the right terminology?).

Getting into the plane was a nightmare for some, luckily not for me. I was neither re-seated or kicked off the plane due to over booking and down sizing to a smaller plane--they went from 70 seats to only 50. They were frantically offering "Delta Bucks" (I might have considered staying over night in Minneapolis if they had offered DSW Bucks...), vouchers for a hotel and finally, if you weren't in the loading area when they called your name, you were out of luck! As you'd expect, the mood loading the plane was less than pleasant.

Once the doors closed and we were snug as a bug in our seat belts, Robert started his performance. The first unexpected thing he did was come over the PA system and ask how many of us were excited to be going to Omaha, only a few hands went up; then, he asked who was going home? Well, it was infectious and more passengers raised their hands. He said he was "excited" to be going to Omaha that he graduated from Westside and attended UN of Lincoln and, you could tell, it was genuine excitement.

What happened next made me think to myself "this dude should be a comedian". As he was giving the safety talk, he followed along, word for word, with the recorded message done by a female...so, if you can picture it; his mouth moving and her voice coming out. Yes, that did bring a few smiles and giggles through out the cabin.

Once we took off, he got on the PA and told us our flight was not supposed to have beverage service (it is only a 50 minute flight) BUT, since he was so awesome, he was going to serve us! Not only did he serve everyone, he stopped and listened, and laughed with each passenger. He even gave out alcoholic beverages as "his treat". He took the beginning of a hum drum plane trip and turned it into an entertainment adventure. I mean, I kept thinking, "what's he going to come up with next?"

We didn't have to wait long to find out. As he reminded us to make sure we had all our belongings, he said that if we left our IPads,IPods, cell phones or laptops in the pocket on the seat in front of us, that, well, he'd just have to sell them on EBay...
He wasn't done, he had one more zinger for us--he told us if we didn't enjoy our plane trip and wanted to complain, that his name was...Ashton. Yes, this time, all the passengers on the plane laughed--out loud. They just couldn't hold it in any longer. Then he smiled and reminded us his name was Robert and that he enjoyed flying with us today. For the first time ever--I actually believed that to be true.

Some people are made for greatness while some people are great in everything they do. Even though Robert won't be a comedian, he certainly takes pride and enjoyment in his work--being great where he is. Thank you, Robert, for a wonderful trip home.

Work

2011-03-12T10:14:00.002-05:00

When other aspects of your life seem on a downward spiral, it's nice to have some where to go, some where to place the worries of your life on hold, at least for six hours or so (oh, I know for some of you it's longer...8 to 10 max!).

My new job has proven to be just that, a refuge. Some of you may not know, but, I accepted a part time position as the secretary for Second Baptist Church here in Lincoln. I felt the Lord leading me to that position the moment I saw it in the want ads. He just took some time in giving it to me...I believe He wants to teach me patience! Imagine that...

The job itself is not like any other I have had. There are only two people in the office, myself and the Pastor. I've also never experienced a low stress job before. However, sometimes, the stress at my job in Maryland was of my own doing. Self inflicted if you will. I wanted things done and done right, and, if something happened to change those requirements, I became stressed. I learned a lot in my tenure at Adventist Home Health...

It has also been a "learn as you go" kind of position for me. I did not receive on the job training per say. The previous secretary spent about two hours with me. She does stop in from time to time to see if I have any questions. So, I have learned my job by trial and error. I have also had to learn to trouble shoot my own computer problems--no more IT to call (I don't have a Howard, Kevin or Dave here...). It's interesting, also, that I am by myself quite a bit. A pastor's job is more than just sermons--it's shepherding the congregation, and with a congregation whose median age is probably 65-85...he shepherds a lot--hospital visits, etc. Not to mention Bible studies and an evening of activities during the week.

One thing I knew I had to do was organize the office itself. I threw things away (probably shouldn't have...) that seemed old and out dated. I got my Clorox wipes (my training from Bonnie) out and cleaned all the surfaces. I labeled everything, and, I do mean everything. I got bins to organize things that needed containment, such as office supplies and offering envelopes. I found out, one of the ushers made a point of showing someone all that I had done, how organized not only the office now was, but, even the desk! See, my desk is not just mine. I share it with a lot of people. They use it on Sunday mornings to count the offering and to tally up the attendance sheets. Sometimes, I see the treasurer has been in and has left the calculator on. What is so much fun, is when I come in on Tuesdays (I am lucky to be off on Mondays), my desk is still clean and, for the most part, how I left it at the end of the day on Friday.

One of the retired pastors asked if I had a coffee maker, which I did go and buy. He also told me he too had a jar of candy on his desk. It is something I have always done. I knew my boss, Kristi, liked to come and get a mint every now and again. I could always tell when she did it while I was gone, I would find the wrappers left behind. Those are the little things that make an office feel welcoming. I guess to me, that is what was missing when I first walked in the door. I wanted them to know I was there for them and would enjoy it when they stopped in.

The computer system we currently have is, for lack of a better word, archaic. Old, Old, Old!!! There are so many things we could be doing, better, if we had an updated system. So, the Pastor is submitting a request to get such a system. He told me that is one of the things that stood out to him about not only my resume, but, about me at our interview. He told me he felt I could bring them up to date on technology. I am not a computer geek, I just play one on TV...

In a way, I am making this job my own. Yes, there are duties I have that must be done on a daily, weekly, monthly, etc., schedule. However, I am introducing new ways to do things as well as the old. At first, some people weren't so sure, but, now, they see the progress and are more open to the changes. Believe me, there is more to do. Files to go through, decisions on what needs to stay and what can be thrown out, all the fun things!

Since I have been working at SBC, two of the home care agencies I had sent my resume to have contacted me for interviews, making me wonder if I chose the right job that maybe, just maybe, there was something better out there for me. Well, it's amazing how the Lord knows the makings of your heart. When I got back from lunch on Friday, the Pastor had sent me this e-mail: "Just a note to say how grateful I am to have you as our secretary. You're doing a great job and I'm excited to see what it will be like once we get our office technology up to speed. Thank you for all you do!" In my heart of hearts, I know I am where I am supposed to be. The Lord placed me in this job, it is up to me to continue to have an open heart and let Him take me where He will.

Hollywood Romance

2011-02-12T17:38:00.001-05:00

The past month, I have seen two movies (rare occurrence) “No Strings Attached” and today, “Just Go With It.” I have to say, I enjoyed them both. Call me a romantic sap…I also, for the first time, appreciated both Ashton Kutcher and Adam Sandler’s roles in their perspective movies. Demi is a lucky, lucky woman…really, it’s his smile…really…

May be I am just a fan of love and romance. The chase, the realization of falling in love, the heart pounding first kiss… I don’t think, however, Hollywood does romance any good deed by continually making these movies – boy meets girl; girl and boy date; fall in/out of love; realize they still love each other; win him/her back; happy ending, the end. They do, however, keep selling tickets and, for the most part, making millions off the same old story.

Why don’t they ever make movies about what happens after the happy ending? Life. That is what happens. Marriage; children; pets, houses; work, etc., etc. Gone are the days of the heart pounding first kiss. The flowers on the table for “no reason”, the hand holding while walking (granted, your walks may be limited to the grocery store or the mall with your kids in tow), and the passionate kiss good night becomes a gentle peck on the cheek.

When you’ve been married for years, I guess it becomes a different kind of romance. Accepting the fact your spouse will never put the toilet lid down; understanding your wife’s mood swings during PMS; cleaning the house for your wife; accepting the fact your husband snores…I could list more. But, I think you get it. I suppose those things are to replace the flowers, cards, gifts. You still want, however, to feel like the most important thing in your spouse’s life. That is what I get from all these Hollywood romance movies.

You want to be like the movies, where the person you love almost falls over themselves proving their love for you. But, in reality, it doesn’t happen that way. The reality is, after you say “I do”, the veil of romance falls away and your eyes are open to what true love really is. It is what you are willing to do with and for your spouse. The one you promised to love and cherish from this day forward.

Sure, it would be nice to have the Hollywood romance, every once in a while, I’m not going to lie. Who wouldn’t want someone proving their love for you once in awhile (be honest now). I think, in small doses, Hollywood romance is good. In reality, no one can live the Hollywood romance. If you are living it, let me know how you are doing it…everyone could use a lesson or two on romance, don’t you think?

Ice---Snow---Wind

2011-01-31T12:38:00.002-05:00

That is the combination headed our way starting this afternoon. We already have the ice. Just waiting for the rest. It was nice to hear the school was not going to mark anyone tardy today...

A friend pointed out to me that I had not written anything on my blog for a while. She was right. I guess I had writer's block....or, nothing to say!! I know, the last thing is hard to believe! Let's see, what should I write about...

My Kindle is keeping me reading and I still enjoy it (no, I get no compensation for saying that!). I am currently reading "Room" by Emma Donoghue. Let me just say WOW. I can hardly put it down, but must as every day life demands. I even put the Bible on it and took it to Church. I wonder if people thought I was reading something else...

The job search has brought me several interviews. My first interview was a "group" interview. I thought it would be a group of people interviewing me, but, it was one person interviewing about 12 candidates for the position. They say Lincoln has low unemployment...for someone looking for work, I don't see it! I have had a couple more interviews and now, I am just waiting to hear. I asked my husband, "what happens if I get offered two jobs? Which one should I choose?" He said to pick the one that interests me the most, where I wouldn't get bored. I am, after all, a people person...so they tell me. Money is not a high priority on my list, as I know I may never match my salary from Maryland. It's double what one of the jobs was offering. I do, however, wish it to be a challenge and it allows me to use my skills and knowledge.

No, I haven't given up on Treasured Events and Weddings. With my job--whether it's part-time or full-time, I want to be able to put money aside in savings and in an account for just that. Not to mention money for my son's college tuition. I am thinking he'd rather have a car...we'll cross that bridge when it comes...in four, short, years.

There have been some bumps on the path to calling Lincoln home again. I am glad to say, the bumps have smoothed out and the path looks clear. Not that it will be easy, but, the hard part seems to be over, done with, gone. That doesn't mean I don't miss my friends back East. I do, terribly. And, I am afraid I have not been very good at keeping in touch. I guess a part of me had to let go for a little while. It has been such a joy to reconnect with family and friends and, even make some new ones.

Well, the snow is supposed to start soon. My husband and I already went to the grocery store and got some more food for our son. He seems to eat us out of house and home and, if there is no school tomorrow, I wanted to be prepared! My husband will be at the Fremont store (Staples) this week. He is going to leave this afternoon to get a head of the storm. I already planned what my son and I will do tomorrow if school is canceled, we will sit in our jammies and watch "Despicable Me". A Christmas present waiting to be watched. And, of course, he will eat...and eat...and, eat!

Monique's Kindle

2010-12-28T12:03:00.002-05:00

I haven’t picked up a book to read for a good year. There never seemed enough time for that luxury. For Christmas, Santa brought me a Kindle. Now, I love books, enjoy bookshelves filled with books…my husband, however, sees bookshelves as clutter. I love the feel of a book in my hand, the turning of the pages. So, although I wanted a Kindle, I wasn’t sure how I would relate to it.

So far, I am relating just fine. Once I got it set up, and it now says “Monique’s Kindle”, I purchased about three books and Reader’s Digest. I love reading the “Ask Laskas” column by Jeanne Marie Laskas. She used to write a column in the Washington Post Magazine. I was sad when it ended, but, delighted to find her in the Reader’s Digest. Of course, who can go wrong with the “Humor” sections of the Digest?

The books I purchased were "Rescue" by Anita Shreve, "An Object of Beauty" by Steve Martin, and "Smart but Scattered: The Revolutionary “Executive Skills” Approach to Helping…” by Peg Dawson and Richard Guare (this not a typical choice, but, one recommended by my son’s school counselor). I downloaded Rescue on Christmas day and finished it the next day.

Anita Shreve is one of my favorite authors. I was fortunate to see her speak and meet her at the book signing after the event. One of the questions asked of her was how she picks stories. She said that the stories pick her. She said she would sometimes start to write and then put the notebook away and come back to it; weeks, months, even years later to complete it. She credits Oprah for the success of her book "The Pilot’s Wife", as it was picked as one of Oprah’s “must read” books. The first book I read of Anita Shreve was "A Wedding in December".

Just as she did in "Wedding", she instantly captured my attention in Rescue. She starts out telling you the history of Webster, the main male character who is an EMT and how he rescues (hence the title) and falls in love with Sylvia. After she weaves her story of love, addiction and abandonment, she brings you back to the characters in modern day. It is a story she has told before, but, has found a way to hold your interest in a different way. Perhaps it is the characters, Webster, Sylvia and Rowan. When I read her books, I sometimes picture actors or actresses that could play the part…am I the only one that does that? I suppose it is to give a “face” to her characters in my mind. I always feel for the characters in her books, especially this one. The character, Rowan, the daughter of Webster and Sylvia, especially.

I don’t want to give too much away, so, I will stop. I can tell you, I did not miss holding the book or, even turning the pages. The Kindle has actually awakened my love of reading, once again. I am not sure where it will take me, for now it is focused on Steve Martin’s "An Object of Beauty". He has quickly become another of my favorite authors. I wonder, can you have too many favorite authors? No, I didn’t think so.

Christmas Wishes

2010-12-20T14:14:00.003-05:00

I realized something today, with a few days left until Christmas. One of my longest running Christmas wishes has come true. Sad, that it didn't dawn on me sooner. One of my many wishes has always been to not be working during the holidays(see, I told you I was slow...). Like any woman, wife, or mother that has worked full time (in the home or outside the home)you know what I am talking about.

Don't get me wrong, I still wish I was working, or, at least, I knew what was going to happen in the job department. I never really minded working, I loved my job, but, more importantly, I loved the people I worked with. I sometimes think it's not the job I miss as much as it is the people...

During the holidays, I was a bit envious of those that got to take time off to prepare for Christmas. I always tried to cram everything in on the weekends...cooking, baking, gift buying, gift wrapping, card/letter writing, decorating, packages ready to mail...I could go on. So, I was tired. Tired from working during the week then tired from "working" on the weekends. I never really knew it any other way.

Would you believe I have never made sugar cookies? So, today, I made my sugar cookie batter and it is in the refrigerator, waiting to be made into delicious, mouth watering (I hope) cookies. If I were working, I don't think I would have been so adventuresome. I thought it would be time consuming, alas, I was wrong. This week, there will be more baking on the agenda. There will also be time to help my Mom set up for our Christmas celebration. It has been 15 years since we have been able to celebrate the holidays with my family. Yes, another Christmas wish come true.

It's hard to believe I didn't realize all this before now. I have been so caught up in worrying about a job, that I almost let it go by without noticing. It's like when you pray for something and leave it in God's hands. Sometimes, He does answer and you are so busy, you don't hear it. He seems to know where my life is heading, I have to remember to slow down and listen...prayers, like Christmas wishes, do come true.

Merry Christmas!

It is finished...

2010-11-09T18:59:00.002-05:00

Technically, I am waiting to hear from a limousine company as to their rates, I need to have a picture taken for my website via the school (I think my friend ME will do those honors on Friday--no she doesn't know yet!)and, I need to turn in Unit F, then, I can say I am done with my classes! I will receive my International Event and Wedding Planner Certificate! Can you hear the bombs bursting? The firecrackers exploding? Okay, me either...

Haven't really been updating about my di--, I mean, weight loss program... Well, when we went to Colorado, I only (yes, only) gained 3 lbs. I weighed again today and I am down 7.2 pounds...so, technically, I have lost 11 lbs. to date. Did you hear them? The bombs, fireworks...okay, they are only in my imagination (I think I must get that checked).

It seems, other areas of my life are falling a part (won't go into detail, way too personal--not that I don't trust you...), but, I seem to be doing okay in those two areas. But, the big question remaining is...now what? Oh, the weight loss program thing, I will keep trudging along. I seem to have a grasp on that (for a fleeting moment at least). It's the whole new career thing...

Where do I start? Ideally, if I were a rich man...I mean, woman (I wanted to stat singing that song); I would start my own business. I have purchased the domain name Treasured Events and Weddings.com. Not sure how to get it up and running. I guess I have time to figure that all out...Do I hit the pavement with a newly revised resume (Joyesha, are you available to help craft a new one??) to focus on the new career and go to every known hotel, business, restaurant, etc., that may hire event planners? Or, do I contact the various planners in the Lincoln/Omaha area and ask them if they will hire me so I can suck all their knowledge from their brains...okay, I won't word it that way. You get the idea...what to do, where to go...and - all - that - jazz...

All I know, is this girl was not meant to be a domestic goddess. This girl also likes to do things that take that green stuff; you know, moolah, a.k.a. MONEY. I have no income coming in, not like I was used to in Maryland. I think it would help our family, at least help to put money away for our son's college education and, perhaps retirement (although, I question my ability to handle retirement after the hard time I am having not currently being employed...but, that's for another time!).

*Deep Sigh* So, if you know of anyone needing to hire an event and/or wedding planner, don't forget we (me) here at Treasured Events and Weddings are waiting to make your event a treasured memory! Okay, need to work on advertising too...

Kicking Myself...

2010-10-18T22:18:00.002-04:00

I will just cut to the chase. I was a very naughty girl tonight...pizza and weight watchers desserts...I won't say any more...sigh...why do I do this to myself??

Breathe in, breathe out...okay, so I went and weighed again today and after my successful, well, what I thought was successful weekend of eating right, I had maintained. I am not saying that is bad, but, I carefully ate and drank the right things this weekend and the scale didn't budge. I hate how I let the scale rule my brain! I will NOT let this little bump in the road derail me, I have a goal and I want to, no, I WILL reach it. It really looks good on paper, but, why isn't my heart feeling what I just said? Baby steps...I want to take giant leaps, but, it's not going to happen. Patience...what is that??

I know what I need to do. Exercise must commence. I did get advice on how to add calories for my exercise, so, I really have no excuse. The 3.1 mile walk done on Sunday was a good jump start for me. I must continue that trend. While in Colorado, I hope to walk a lot. I know I can make the right food choices, I did it this weekend.

Why oh why do I love food? Do I really need it? Okay, that, was a silly question...I must go, get some rest, tomorrow is a brand new day...thank goodness!

Food, Food Everywhere...

2010-10-15T17:46:00.002-04:00

I am quite serious. When you are on a di--, I mean, weight loss program, every time you turn around there is food waiting to sabotage you! You can be innocently watching NCIS and there will be an ad for Village Inn or Burger King's new breakfast (not that I want it mind you), but, the worst offender is the Arby's commercial for their dollar menu and they show you their new chocolate turnover....EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!! We won't even talk about all the Halloween candy!

Okay, so, the advertisers are just doing their job, I get it. It's not that I've fallen off the wagon, it just seems like you tend to notice the things you cannot have! I have lost 7.1 pounds my first full week on the program. This was even after I had one slice of cheese pizza last night. The "old" me would have had 3 or 4 pieces, easily; but, the "new" me stopped at one and finished my dinner (or do you call it supper...) with a salad. Still taking baby steps.

Now, tomorrow is going to be a challenge for me. I need to make the right choices when I am out and about all day wine tasting around Nebraska! There is no alcohol on my diet, which, is fine, I don't usually partake on a daily basis, but, didn't want to pass up this fun opportunity to spend the day with friends. I guess, I can spit it out! Is that okay??

Another spot of contention for me is exercise. Just imagine what my loss would have been if I had incorporated exercise! Other programs I've been on have always said to be sure to eat enough food to compensate for your exercise. I don't have a lot of wiggle room in this program just yet, so, if I exercise, I am afraid I will be hungrier...does that make sense? I suppose that is where self control comes into play...not sure I have that down pat just yet.

Slowly but surely, that's how we'll get this done...

Checking In

2010-10-11T11:43:00.002-04:00

So, I have been on my weight loss program since last Thursday and I have lost 2.7 pounds! Very exciting indeed!!

There have been a few challenges. It's hard to go to a restaurant and try and find something "healthy" to eat. But, I have done it and have also been at a friend's house for dinner and successfully just said no to pizza. One part of losing weight that is always important is water intake. I seem to have no trouble in that area. Some people don't like it, not sure why.

I do miss my usual coffee routine though. Decaf with no cream is just not as fun! I did try caramel truffle decaf, it was good the first cup... Now don't quote me on this, but, I may just give up the whole coffee thing (is that blasphemy??).

My husband said, and, he's right (not very often mind you...), "losing weight is so much easier one day at a time." It does help to know what you are eating for every meal and keep track of it. It helps you see what your actual intake is. I know, that is not news to anyone!

Notice, I have avoided the "exercise" discussion. Not sure why, but, I don't feel ready to get back into Jazzercise. I will though. Perhaps I need to do some walking first. It's so beautiful outside, how could you not want to get out there??

It was exciting when I went into the center today to check in. One of their customers (I guess that is what you would call them) who lost over 100 lbs., was chosen to be the national spokesperson for Physicians Weight Loss Centers. Her husband came in and they were waiting for her arrival to tell her. Talk about encouragement!! They had a video going of her start and now, and, it truly is amazing. The transformation she made. That is my goal, no, not to be the national spokesperson, but to transform myself. To be a stronger, better me.

D - I - E - T

2010-10-07T13:16:00.002-04:00

It really is a four letter word...so, I will call my weight loss program...just that, a program. I could jazz it up and call it a journey...may be later.

Today I started my Physician Weight Loss Program. It is a very aggressive 16-week plan. Also, I am under the watchful eye of a real physician...just in case you think they just use that for good advertising! They did lab tests and an EKG. What do you know, for being so over weight, my cholesterol is good AND I am healthy...is that an oxymoron?? I have been given vitamins, minerals, etc.

So far the worst thing I've had to give us my coffee (*gulp*). I can have decaf, however, it must be without cream or half and half...eeekkk! So, I had my decaf today, black with about 1 and 1/2 packets of Splenda. My old boss would be proud of me...well, minus the Splenda! It wasn't that bad. Thinking perhaps a flavored decaf would work too. Yes, a trip to the grocery store is needed.

So, the di--, I mean, program has begun. I hope you don't mind that you will be reading about it for the next few weeks! After my first week of the program, Jazzercise is calling my name...who knows what could follow...

Sea of Red

2010-09-26T14:11:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I experienced something I would have never imagined. My first Nebraska football game. Yes, we won...didn't play with any particular style, but, it does go in the win column. Other than their lack luster play, it was an amazing experience.

It's hard to believe having grown up in Lincoln, that I never went to a game or even went downtown on game day. We were able to go because our realtor, gave us the tickets she won. We arrived around 3:30 p.m. to find parking. Which we did, upon our exit from the parking garage, we saw the FULL sign go up. Then, we walked into the sea of red, and headed for Embassy Suites Hotel to meet up with our friend and her nephew. We walked in to a haze of red and the Husker fight song! We then made our way to the Journal Star parking lot, where you can rent out a spot for tailgating. It was amazing the amount of food, drink and people! People were playing games, grilling hot dogs and hamburgers, drinking--everything from soda pop to beer, etc. If you closed your eyes, your senses would peak with the smells and sounds. I wouldn't recommend closing your eyes, however, you would definitely get run over...

What is amazing to me is the amount of Nebraska memorabilia there is out there--for the car, the grill, and the body! Nebraska (Husker/N) flags and footballs were flying. We left that tailgating party to go to the Champions Club (she gave us those tickets too). To say I felt out of place would be an understatement. First, I am not a graduate of UNL and, secondly, we knew no one there! We walked around and took in all the people and their tailgating parties. Most of them even had TV's set up with satellite to have the game going. Not sure if they watched it from outside Memorial Stadium or inside.

Once they opened the gates to the stadium, we walked in and found our seats...South Stadium, end zone! To say they were excellent seats, would be an understatement. I could have reached out and touched Taylor Martinez (hmmm, wonder if they would have arrested me...I digress). The colors, the sounds, the smells of the stadium really get the blood pumping. We were enjoying the pre game show, watching the cheer leaders and band play. As that started, the stadium started to fill. There were a little over 85,000 of us there last night. You get very up close and personal with the people seated next to you. The seating does leave a lot to be desired. But, when they start that music and the Nebraska boys start coming out of the tunnel, that's when it starts rocking and you seem to forget the close quarters.

We were seated two people down from some South Dakota fans. Needless to say, South Dakota State gave us a run for our money! They nearly kicked our butts. They made us work for that win. But, not very graciously. Coach Pelini said it was his fault and it was a team effort--I have to disagree. I thought the defense played way better than the offense. But, I am not a coach nor do I claim to be all knowing when it comes to football. What was truly amazing to me was the fact that the Nebraska fans, surrounding the South Dakota fans, instead of booing or picking a fight with them, actually gave South Dakota their due. They conceded South Dakota was kicking our butts. And, surprised this was an 0-2 team!

My husband jokes that Nebraska fans don't know the Huskers aren't a professional team, be that as it may, it's the best team we have (disclaimer: with the exception of the women's volleyball team). The team seems to thrive on the fans support as much as the fans thrive on their football team. Nothing to me says Nebraska as much as the fans giving South Dakota fans props on their team. That is Husker way, graciousness and pride.

So, we have been to our first game, will there be others? I hope so. Tickets are hard to find around here. Do we have Husker Fever...almost...GO BID RED!!!

What's in a name?

2010-08-29T20:07:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago, I headed to the Motor Vehicle office to get my Nebraska driver's license. Lucky for me, I didn't have to take a driving test...really, I would have past with flying colors, except for the parallel parking thing. I just can't get it to work for me...

I was going through quite quickly, filling out my form, taking my eye test, etc., and, the lovely lady was telling me to go to the next window and pay...oh, wait, it came to a dead halt. Apparently, the name on my Maryland license did not match the name on my social security card. I thought, did I not change to my married name? So, she gave me a piece of paper and gave me literally, six months to come back after I got this little "issue" cleared up.

Since we had time, it was Steve's day off and, well, every day is my day off it seems; we headed to the Social Security Administration. Apparently, the name on my card was A. Monique Saunders. (I had changed it to my married name!) Ah, but, here is where the problem was, the name on my Maryland license was Anne Monique Saunders. Okay, you are thinking what I was thinking. Why didn't Maryland have issues with this?? And, my next thought was, isn't "A." pretty much the same as "Anne"? I mean, hello. So, we put in a name request to Social Security. Got that cleared up and went the next day to get my Nebraska license.

I have never been called my given name of Anne. My family in France call me Anne Monique, and, that is fine. After all, I do have an Aunt Monique and a cousin Monique. I've been called Mont-e-que a few times and my friends and husband's side of the family call me Mo. I think it is endearing. I have a habit of making up names for my friends(sure hope they've never minded), Joyesha, Rebecca Sue, Kara Sue, SuzyQ, Dana Doo...I think you get it.

Who is this Anne and why has she taken over my life? Since that is my legal name, I had to put Anne Monique Saunders on my checks. I asked them to please call me Monique...well, when I go to the drive thru window, they always end up thanking Anne for her business and wishing her a good day. It takes me a few seconds to realize they are actually talking to me. I wonder if they think it's odd I hesitate to thank them and wish them a good day back. No, I didn't think so.

I've always loved my name, Monique. I was named after my Aunt Monique, that alone is special. There wasn't another Monique in school, not even through college. It never even bothers me when people can't pronounce it or spell it correctly. I don't know why my parents did not call me Anne, I've never thought to ask. I guess it was never really important. I love my name, names...Anne Monique. It has a unique ring to it. Kind of like me I suppose. I am beginning to think I am what's in my name...each of of them!

What do you want for your birthday?

2010-08-01T15:50:00.002-04:00

That is a question I hear a lot right around this time every year. It comes from various people at various times. It surprises me, however, that my husband asks it year after year. He has always been one that requires a "list" for Christmas or a birthday. However, I found it amusing the first few years of our marriage that though I granted him a list, I rarely got what was on it...

When he asked me last week, I had to think for a minute. What do I want? Should it be a want or a need? Or, both? This year, what can I ask for without appearing selfish? I have just moved into a beautiful new home and have been afforded a budget to make the house a home with furnishings, plants, flowers, etc. I am currently jobless, so, the thought of telling him I want a new phone or a Kindle, would seem a bit much! When those monies could be used towards food or new clothes for Sam as he starts his new school.

Those of you that know me, know that age has never really bothered me. Until now. For some reason, turning 47 has me wanting to run backwards as fast as possible to my 30's (at least). I am not as healthy as I wish to be, perhaps I could ask for 100 pounds to fly off my body...okay, so that's not an option. My mother died at the age of 47. Perhaps that is why the numbers 4 and 7 scare me, especially when they are together. I don't think so, however. I do find it makes me more diligent to have a yearly physical and make wiser lifestyle choices.

It would be nice to have a day where my son does exactly as I ask and doesn't try to do more or less of what I request. That is probably something every Mom would wish for! A day with friends, near and far; family, near and far. Okay, it seems to me I want everything. How selfish is that? I have everything...a loving husband, a wonderful son, a beautiful new home, family and many wonderful friends. Perhaps that is why it's so hard to answer the question "What do you want for your birthday", because I already have everything I could possibly need...

DISCLAIMER: That doesn't mean I don't expect a gift, honey. :o)

The Crush

2010-07-21T12:02:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile, look at you.
Have you changed? Have I?
No, your smile and laugh remain the same.
Our lives are different now.
Years have come between us, miles.
We talk and remember.
You always had a place in my heart.
Did you ever know?
Could you ever tell?
We lead different lives.
"What could have been", has been replaced with "what is."
It's good to see you again, to laugh and reminisce.
Did you ever know?
Could you ever tell?
I had a crush on you?

This was just something that came into my head...and, heart the other night when I could not sleep. There are certain people, that touch our lives, some without knowing. It is about no one in particular, or, it is about someone...just depends on you and how you read it...

Dear God

2010-07-16T21:25:00.003-04:00

Hi, it's me, yes, I know...it's been a while since we last talked. I truly am sorry. So much has happened. As you know, Steve took a new position with Staple's in Lincoln, our house sold; quicker than we anticipated, then, Sam and I found a "home away from home" with the Hauri's until school ended in June. Thank you, for making all those things happen, if they hadn't fallen into place, I would question the move...well, question it even more than I am now.

We have been in Lincoln for almost a month, Sam and I. We are in the house and have made strides to put things in their place. We have been lucky to spend time with family and great friends. We were even blessed to have DJ and Rebecca here with us for a week. Thanks to her, and you, we have beautiful landscaping. For all of this, we are truly blessed. Thank you.

Why, then, do I feel so lost? I am having a hard time finding my place. Was my whole identity wrapped up in my life in Maryland? I miss my friends at work, the people I saw on a daily basis. My sense of self-worth seems to have taken a detour and not made it yet to Lincoln to be with me. Lord, what do I need to do?

I have gotten all the resources I need to start my on-line certification course to become an Event and Wedding planner. I know that is one thing I want to do. Why do I feel hesitant to start it? I am at a stand still when it comes to unpacking the rest of our house and getting things in order. I feel as though I don't belong in this house. The things that made my house a home in Maryland, don't seem to fit the house here in Lincoln. Perhaps, Lord, that is why I am sad? I left so much of myself behind and now, I am losing the things that made me comfortable.

My sister is getting married soon, July 31. I so wanted to be there for her. Moving took that away from me. I feel disconnected from my family in France. Lord, please watch over them, please let them know, some how, that I love them and my heart is with them.

Yes, I know, there are things going on in this world that are so much more devastating. The economy, the homeless, the jobless...I could go on. I am not ungrateful for what I have, I thank you for every blessing you give me.

What's that? I know, you haven't been first and foremost since I got here. A Church? No, I haven't found one to call "home"...we are going tomorrow evening. I pray you will open my heart and mind. I hear you, Lord. The answer to my question, "what do I need to do...", is what I am doing now, to bring you back, to put my trust in you once again. I never really stray you know, just get sidetracked in my own self-pity and doubt. Thank you, for hearing my prayer and lifting me up.

Amen

Shopping

2010-06-22T16:51:00.003-04:00

Retail therapy does work wonders...on the soul, not necessarily the pocketbook! Don't worry Steve, I didn't spend that much...

Took today off from "work". Went back to bed after a friend called early this morning and Kasey woke me up, put the trash out and walked Kasey. It felt good to sleep some more. Not sure why I am so tired, I honestly can't believe feeling an hour a head still could bother me!

Before I left, my UPS packages arrived, they would be the rest of my things that didn't fit in the VUE for the trip out here. Some of Sam and my clothes, etc. I think tonight, I will bring them in and unpack them. I think organizing the master bedroom is my project for the day...well, evening.

I headed out to Kohl's...okay, yes, I got lost in my own development (sigh), but, found my way out and did make it to Kohl's!! I grabbed a cart and right away found some things for Sam for his birthday. Then, I found some towels on sale, so, I bought a set for Sam's bathroom. He has hand me down rugs, so, at the very least, new towels are in order! I headed to the kitchen area and found the olive oil dispenser I wanted and saw a frying pan I must save my pennies for. I did find a new, black and silver toaster oven. Our old one was white, well, um, you could still call it white. It just didn't go in my shiny new kitchen! I also found some baskets for our linen closet, out with the old, plastic bins. They were the perfect size and color (mental note: must go get more of them). I also saw today, the most beautiful picture I want for our new living room. It was gorgeous flowers, with bright, vibrant colors. Unfortunately, since we haven't gone living room furniture shopping yet, I am unsure whether it will go or not...I think I will make it work!!

The grocery store is next on my agenda. There is absolutely nothing here! I have some ideas of what I would like to have for meals, just have to go and get the ingredients needed. Since I am jobless at the moment, I really want to cook. Steve, stop laughing. I do cook and would love to get back at it. Eating out is so expensive. I learned a lot staying at my "home away from home". Great recipe ideas and great organizing strategies. Can't wait to put them into practice!

Once we get our living room furniture and the house settled, I want to go browse some antique shops or TJ Maxx (gotta love the Maxx!) to look for inexpensive things we may still need or want for our new home. I am hoping I can convince Kara...Dana...Marcia...Heidi...Lynn...anyone, anyone (?!) to come hunting with me!

Later tonight, Sam and I will stop by my parent's house to drop off some dishes they let Steve use while he was waiting for me to unpack the kitchen...you cannot deny it honey! It's nice to be able to say that..."stop by my parent's house"... I think I can get used to this!

Nebraska...The Good Life

2010-06-21T22:29:00.002-04:00

That is what the sign says as you drive from Iowa in to Nebraska. The drive out was pretty uneventful. Sam slept most of Thursday and I drove more than I or, even Steve, thought I would. We stopped for the night in Joliet, IL. We got up early Friday morning and hit the road running. Well, driving...

In Iowa, we experienced our first midwestern thunder storm. Luckily, we were driving out of it. We got to our new house at about 3 p.m. We got the cat situated and then unloaded the car. My folks, Kara, Mike and Annie came by for a visit. It was nice to sit around the table (since we don't have living room furniture yet) and just talk.

Funny, I lived in Nebraska from the age of 2 until about 29 and I do no remember it being this rainy, ever! The past couple of days have been very stormy; loud thunder claps and lots of lightening to brighten the sky. Kasey does not seem to like the storms.

Saturday we went to Church with my folks at my old Church. Funny, but, it didn't feel like "home" to me, like it did so many years ago. Perhaps because I still feel like Derwood Bible Church is my "home" church. We went out to lunch after with my folks and the Bucks'. Then, Steve went into work for a bit and Sam and I headed home. I feel very disoriented. My sense of direction seems to have been thrown out the window, perhaps somewhere in Illinois or Iowa... I try to explain to Steve that when I lived here, where we live now, there was nothing, just farm land as far as the eye could see. In fact, when I was upset or needed to think, I would jump on 56th Street and just drive. Now, there are houses, shops, etc. It has made it difficult for me to get my bearings.

Sunday, Steve and I moved boxes from the garage to the house. I started unpacking the kitchen while he cleaned up the garage or his new "man cave" as he called it...I know, Steve, in a garage with lawn equipment and tools. Never thought I'd see the day! Just kidding honey!

Today I pretty much completed putting the kitchen together. I still have empty cupboards and drawers...what's up with that?? Tomorrow, I will do more of the same, open boxes and organize what comes out of them. Well, as much as I can any way!

I am glad to be back as a family and be near my family, however, I have this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I guess I am grieving for the life and friends I left in Maryland. I know, I have only been here a total of 3 whole days. I need to give it time. Time to make our house a home, time to see old friends and make them new again, time to spend with family...

I just need to remember, this is a new chapter in my life, an adventure if you will (thanks Susan) and, this is where God has led me, back to Nebraska...the Good Life.

City Girl

2010-06-12T20:33:00.003-04:00

I decided today, riding the metro in to D.C., that I am a certified "city girl". I could have never imagined 15 years ago that I would ever ride the metro by myself. I have actually done it several times. My friend, Rebecca, often reminds me of what an offensive driver I was instead of a defensive one...now, she says, I am a true East coast driver! The inner and outer loop are of no challenge for me!

So, what is it about the East I love so much? Okay, the people here that I love is (are) one thing. But, what am I going to miss about the East? Well, for starters, the metro, it can take you pretty much anywhere you want to go; which, leads me to another thing I will miss...well, several things: the museums and memorials in Washington, D.C. They are free for goodness sake. Not that we took advantage of them like we should have... Then, there is the Bay Bridge which crosses the Chesapeake Bay. The first time I drove over it, I was so scared! It's a big, foreboding bridge for sure. Now, not only do I drive over it, I have actually walked over it!

Being close to various states is a bonus too. Spent time in Pennsylvania, Delaware, New York, New Hampshire and Maine. I will miss Portsmouth, NH and, Maine. I hope we will make it back to Trails End in Maine again soon. It's the one place you go on vacation and actually "go on vacation"!

When I think about these places, I think about my husband. A lot of the reason I love the East is because of him, when we first dated, he took me to Baltimore's Inner Harbor, my first Oriole's baseball game, first trip to Ocean City...do you see where I am going with all this?

No matter what coast we are on, or where we are in the middle of the U.S., we will be together, exploring and learning new things about our new (old) home town. I look forward to next week this time, being together as a family, in our new home. Yes, I will miss the East coast, but, it's not the place that makes our home...it is the people.

Speaking of which, his plane has just landed...I suppose I need to go fetch him from the metro soon...

The Daily Routine

2010-05-14T19:42:00.006-04:00

I was thinking as I was in the shower this morning (I know, you are glad I shower), how when Sam was born, it was important to keep him "on a schedule." Feeding, napping, bath time, bed time, etc. Then, as he grew into a toddler, it was potty time, feeding, potty time, napping (until he gave those up at age 2), potty time, bath time, potty time and bed time. Now, it's all we can do to keep a regular routine.

I was thinking, however, that who was the schedule or routine really for? Sam or me? I think me. I looked forward to nap time and bed time to have some me time. I also wondered, who is a routine more important to? I have been out of sorts for a while now, since we decided to sell our house and move. It's not because of the move itself, but, how it has interfered with my routine. For example, I brought my coffee maker with me to our "home away from home" because I did not know if they had one and also, I cannot live without my coffee...okay, I could live, just not be very perky! It was a routine for me, at our home, to turn off my alarm, go to the bathroom, let Kasey out and start my coffee. It was the quietest time in the house before anyone else was awake. It actually still is. The only difference is I don't have to let Kasey out and I may run into the Mr. or Mrs.!

Yesterday I was horrified, and I do mean HORRIFIED, to turn over and look at my alarm clock and see 6:29 a.m. I had obviously done something out of my normal evening routine and forgot to set my alarm. That being said, my whole morning routine was kaput. No time to shower (just a little sponge bath...TMI??), and, no time for coffee. Luckily, my evening routine during the week includes making our lunches for the next day the night before. So, we did make it up and out the door with a couple of minutes to spare. But, I felt so out of sorts all day. Did not feel I was as productive at work, a little more impatient with Sam and I seemed to be more tired...even though I had allowed myself an extra hour of sleep!!

Our evenings are very different here, at our "home away from home." We don't really have a "routine". I do try to keep our bed time ritual as routine as possible. Again, more so for me than Sam. Why is that? It has been a learning experience for me to not have a set routine in the evenings. I have grown accustomed to doing things spur of the moment. Change, that is a six letter word. I don't know if I would ever advise a move like we are doing to anyone else. It hasn't been easy. However, I have learned alot about myself and Sam during these past few weeks while we have been routine less. I think, I am learning that routines and schedules are needed, but, should not demand your life's attention. That with or without them, you will survive, and, who knows, it just might make you a better person. Or, drive you completely batty, it's your choice...just go with it!

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-09T15:23:00.003-04:00

Today is the day we are, as mother's, supposed to be made to feel like we are the most wonderful creatures on God's green earth... Sadly, my day started by my son telling me he did not care what today was, and, that he did not need me. That, I was an awful and mean mother.

In the heat of that moment, my heart was broken. I held back tears as he accuses me often of crying too much. When we came upstairs to go to Church, the boys in the Hauri home had made me coffee and even gave me a hug (okay, so they were prompted by Mom to do that). With their influence, I could sense my son's attitude shift, ever so slightly. He got up to hug me as well, prompted by the boys.

Sitting here, doing laundry and thinking of all the things we do for our children, I am drawn to the memory of my husband's cousin, Esther. She died, not long ago, and left two beautiful girls here to be raised by her husband and family. I am certain that this day must be very hard on them. To have lost their Mom at such an age as both did. Also, the fact that she was such an amazing woman makes it even more difficult. I pray that they know they are a reflection of all the good in their Mom, that lessons they learned from her, early on, will stay with them forever.

There are so many wonderful mom's out there. Some, have no one to tell them. They are in pain because of a broken home or a broken heart. They do their best for their children and sometimes, there just isn't an award for their hard work and dedication. I want to say Happy Mother's day to any of you out there feeling this way, especially today...your day.

When I was young and thinking about marriage and children, I often said I did not want children. But, God always has different ideas than ours. He blessed me with a wonderful husband and our son. No, it's not easy, He never said it would be. I think of our son and how much he has learned and how much more he has to go. I am not just talking about school, I am talking about life.

Yes, this morning started out rough, but, as I sit and think about my son, I am filled with joy at the life he has given me. Yes, he can be challenging, aren't most kids? Yes, he can be hurtful, aren't most kids? He is a gift that God gave me so that I could take part in one of the most rewarding "jobs" of life...motherhood. He is my angel and devil all rolled into one and, believe it or not, I wouldn't trade him for the world...Happy Mother's Day!

What to do...what to do...

2010-04-20T15:11:00.007-04:00

What is a job really? Okay, yes, I know...it gives you the means to live the life you want. Some jobs also provide you with health insurance and retirement benefits. All very important in the scheme of life. The question is often posed to me now that I am moving... "Have you found a job yet?", which leads to, "What will you be doing?" I am here to say, with no hesitation... I have no idea!!

I am fortunate that when I do move, I will not need to work the first few months, perhaps the entire summer. Not sure the last time was that I had such a "vacation" from work...well, I did take a year off when I had our son...but, in a way, that was work (just a lot more fun with no pay)! I have been working since I was able. A salad girl at Alice's Restaurant, a sales clerk at Barb's Hallmark, mail room and telephone operator at Union College...those are just the one's that jump out at me. There was my two years at a law firm, my eight years at Union College in the Nursing Division and now, twelve years at Adventist Home Health. Of course, I also worked a Dillard's and JC Penney during my retail phase! I have done and been many things. Held multiple positions. I always took something learned from a past job and made it a must in my new job. A bit like building blocks, if you will.

So...what do I want to do or be? Well, I love to write. Not sure my love of writing will bring home any bacon (turkey bacon). I enjoyed being a part of the women's ministry at my Church. Enjoyed planning and participating in various activities. Another favorite job, was filling in for a friend who is a wedding officiant. When he (or his wife) were accidentally to be at two wedding rehearsals, I would get to stand in for them. So, coordinating weddings is also something I enjoy. I enjoy planning parties or events. My Cookie Lee is fun and a great way to meet new people. Just not sure about my selling skills...although, the jewelry sells itself (no, this is not an advertisement for Cookie Lee!). I do plan on forcing, I mean, asking my friends to host a party (or two)...I digress.

Then, there is the question, "do you want to work full time or part time?" I have worked full time "forever" (really, I've been around forever...). First, what would I do if I wasn't working? The first few months back in Nebraska, I anticipate putting our new house together. Putting the personal touches on it to make it ours. So, after I am done with that...then what? Part time would allow me to be home when our son comes home from school. He has always wanted that to happen.

I feel silly when people ask me what I am going to do and I simply do not have an answer. Is there something out there, just waiting for me? Is it going to be something that will fit into my new life in Nebraska? Will it allow me to put together all that I have learned from each of my previous jobs and put them together? Will it allow me to expand and grow some more, taking me to places I never dreamed I could go? So many questions and, right now, no answers!

For now, I will be content in the knowledge that on May 28, 2010, I will no longer be employed. That after that date, I will treasure the last few weeks I have in Maryland to visit people that I may never see again (really, I am not being dramatic here). I mean, who plans family vacations or vacations to Nebraska? (Besides those of us with family and friends in Nebraska...) There are people I have not seen for years that mean the world to me, and, we thought we had time to see each other...well, the time has come and I don't want it to go without seeing them. My job, then, after May 28 will be to reconnect with people that have had a great impact on my life the past fifteen years. It is a job I will treasure.

So, after that job is complete, then, perhaps, I will try to answer the burning question of "what are you going to do." Until then...I'll just keep pondering my next step!

Too tired to move...

2010-04-09T18:29:00.002-04:00

It's not necessarily a physical tired, it's more emotional and mental. The closing on our house here in Maryland went very well. We even got back more than we had planned. Call me strange, but, I found it comforting to meet the couple buying our house face to face. They have two children, a boy and a girl. The girl currently is in sixth grade, at Lakelands Park Middle School (yes, that is our son's grade and school) and the mother is a nurse that works for Adventist Healthcare (yes, that is who I work for). These coincidences made me think that they truly were to have the house.

We talked about paint color, the lawn, trash pick up days, etc., etc. The wife mentioned how clean she found the house on their walk through last night. She assumed once we sold the house, we wouldn't care for it. She was grateful that was not the case. They are first time home buyers and I can tell they were excited and scared at this new challenge a head of them: home ownership! I got to leave the table first, knowing that I was truly done with what I needed to accomplish to get to this point... As I look back and reflect on all that was done, in such a short period of time, I am amazed and humbled. There were many friends and family that stepped up and helped us through this process. We could not have done it without them!! This truth humbles me.

It has been hard, to have my husband in Nebraska while my son and I have been here without him. As far as having a "routine" again, I don't think that is going to happen. I still have this feeling of being in limbo. I am, however, grateful that we have a wonderful home away from home. I have enjoyed hearing our son share in laughter with the kids here in the house. For a short period of time...he will have siblings!

My "last" order of business is to send our dog, Kasey, to Nebraska on Monday. We finally heard from Pet Air and his ticket should arrive tomorrow via FedEx. He has been boarded since we moved out of the house on Tuesday. I miss him so much. I know, sounds corny, but, I really do. He truly has been a comfort to me during this time without my husband. Not that he could ever replace my husband...right...I mean RIGHT! He will be flying to Omaha via Ronald Reagan airport. We will get to see him tomorrow and take him to the vet to get his health certification completed for the trip. It will be good to cuddle with him one more time before he goes.

So, here I sit on my bed in my home away from home. Listening to the kids play their games. There is so much I could be doing, should be doing, but...it's nice to just do nothing for a change...better not get too used to it...

Work

2010-03-30T20:37:00.004-04:00

One of the hardest things for me about moving back to Nebraska, is leaving my job behind. I have been with Adventist Home Health (AHH) for 12 years. I started in the summer of 1997, left when our son was born, and then came back and have been there ever since. Can a job define who you are as a person? May be not, but, it does allow you to see what your strengths or gifts are as a person.

When I started, I was an admissions secretary. That position was eliminated long ago. I slid into the scheduler position long before it was computerized. We did most of it on paper and kept much of it in our heads. It's not just about scheduling a our staff to go into a patients home to render care, it is much more. You must keep in mind your team's schedule; how many days they may work, which are their days off, will they travel to that particular area, do they like early or late visits, have they met their quota for the day...week? Then, there are the patients themselves. My boss and I can see a name and will call the other and say..."what was it about so and so?" It's uncanny the patients I have never met, but, will never forget. There are some, not many, that have been on service almost as long as I have been scheduling. Some I only know by name and brief telephone calls. You try to always place patients with the staff they may have had before or who they would be best suited with. You can almost read a referral and know just what staff member should be assigned that patient.

Home care is not an easy job to do. There have been many changes through the 12 years I have been here. Again, it was all paper driven, whereas now, it is all computerized. Medicare is more demanding with it's requirements, forcing AHH to be more demanding of it's visiting staff. We have the best staff around. I have been privileged to work with many of them for a very long time. I have watched some of their kids go from pre-school to college. They have known my son since the day he was born. It takes a special kind of person to go into home care. And, if I haven't said it, I work with the best of them...

That, is just the field staff...the office staff; well, they are in a league all their own. When I tell you I have the best boss in the world. I mean it. She has taught me so much and allowed me to grow as a professional and, at the same time, reminded me that family comes first. I have always felt appreciated and known that my concerns were taken seriously. She sticks up for us even when it seems no one else thinks we matter. Our office moved at least seven times in the 12 years I have worked here. She went to bat for us when our jobs were at risk. Taking time off for family matters was never an issue. She is gracious and giving in her own way. I admire and respect her so much.

Then, there are my BFF's...that is a question on the survey we take every year..."do you have a best friend at work?" Yes, actually, I do... They are silly and fun; serious when needed. There is never a morning that goes by that the events of the night before aren't shared. They could sense when I was stressed or tired and worked hard to cheer me up, or see what they could do to help. One thing about our office, different from the other two AHH offices, is that we always have lunch together. There have been some memorable conversations around that lunch table! So many stories and laughter. I think our husbands would die if they knew exactly how much information we shared!

You see, it is very difficult to think about leaving my job. It has taught me many things about myself I never knew existed. They allowed me to bloom where I was planted. The friends I have made are irreplaceable. It is difficult for me to answer the question, "what will you be doing for work in Nebraska?" I don't really know. Once you have had perfection, it's hard to imagine anything else...

Sleepless in Maryland...

2010-03-26T10:49:00.002-04:00

I wish it was because of love...like Sleepless in Seattle, but, alas, no. More like, my mind swirling around all that needs to be done on or before April 9...our closing date for our home here in Maryland. Right now, sleep is an elusive idea, one, I hope, that will come back to me! I do not do well without sleep...

What is there to do? Well, must get the items fixed on the list from the home inspection. Have a handyman coming on Sunday afternoon and hopefully, the plumber on Monday. Saturday, we are moving things from the storage unit back to the house. I know, it seems silly to move it back, but, it costs less to have it at our house then have them go get it...are you following all that?! Laundry, has not been done since I have been back from our Nebraska trip. It is piling up...literally. I did do the towels this week!

Then, there is the task of figuring out what my son and I will need, while we remain here as our belongings are finding their way to our new home in Nebraska: clothes...shoes...toiletries...address book...blankets...towels... That has been at the forefront of my sleepless nights. Silly, I know. I mean, if I forget to pack toothpaste or a toothbrush for a trip, I would just go buy some. So, my mind set should be the same for now, right? I guess, I have never lived as a nomad before. In between homes. In between my old life and my new...

When I moved out to Maryland, I brought all that I had or thought I would need. I had no trouble starting life anew. Of course, it helped that I was living with my best friend! Her home became my home, though temporarily. Now, it's a little different. There is my son, the dog, and, the cat. Kasey will have to be boarded starting April 6, until his flight out to Nebraska via Pet Air on April 12. Alex will be living in Grandma and Grandpa's basement until we leave in June. My son and I have graciously been taken in by friends from our Church care group. For this, I am grateful. We will each have a "place"...they say, "home is where the heart is." I must wrap my heart around all this...

The packers are coming April 2 to pack our house. I worry, since I must work that day, that they will pack something I have earmarked to keep here. Silly to worry, I know, especially since my father-in-law will be there. I don't want them to pack up our bed or bedding, not until they move it on April 7 into the truck. I want to be in our house...just a little bit longer. Perhaps, it's my sentimental side coming out. Or, it's wanting to give my son a sense of normalcy for just a little while longer... a sense of "home."

It's been a tough couple of weeks...there have been good and bad in the mix of emotions. I have not seen or talked to a lot of my friends for weeks now. I feel as if I am already gone. Time has not been on my side. Between work, my son, keeping the house up, etc., there hasn't been any time to share, laugh and love. I miss that. If I feel like this now, I can only imagine how much harder it will be when I am actually gone...

Don't get me wrong, I am glad for the future that awaits our little family in Nebraska. I look forward to putting together our new house and making it "our home." Being close to family and friends again, after years of separation. As with any change, there are positives and negatives. And, God never gives us more than we can handle...I truly believe that. He has led us this far...

So, my sleepless nights...perhaps I just need to sit, relax and take a few deep breaths and remember it is out of my hands. I will do what I must and can and leave the rest to the one above, after all, He's done a pretty good job so far...I just need to remember to let Him lead!!

Our Son

2010-03-13T12:00:00.004-05:00

It's not been an easy few weeks for me and my son. His grades are slipping and he is getting into trouble at school. This isn't the first time it has happened. While in his last year of elementary school it happened. That is when he was diagnosed with depression. We had decided not to put him on anti-depressants in fear it might present him being bi-polar. The doctor tweaked his ADHD medication and after weekly visits with her, he started back on track. We could never get out of him exactly what happened. I trust that it is something he and the doctor discussed and worked through.

Now, it could be many things. The decision to move to Nebraska, his father not being here, our house selling, he and I having to find a place to live until June, etc., etc. Keeping to a schedule is important for children with ADHD. There is no schedule or sense of control at this point in our lives. What I wonder the most is if he has any friends at school. He doesn't talk to our about his friend he has had since kindergarten. Yet, he won't tell me if they have had a falling out.

Thursday, he would not get up for school and then, locked himself in his room. Now, most traditional thinking parents would have me kicking his butt; however, he stands eye to eye with me and spanking him, has never done anything, except make him laugh. It doesn't help, I am sure, that I am very emotional at the moment myself. I think in the flurry to get our house ready to sell and having to leave at a moment's notice, we forgot about our son and his needs. Haven't really thought about how this move would affect him.

He is 11, so, he should go wherever we go, enough said...or is it? I tend to think not. He is an intelligent, insightful boy. He is, unfortunately, smarter than I was at his age. He doesn't seem to have to try very hard--hence the problem with homework...why do homework if he can ace the tests? He tells me homework is a waste of his time...I don't think I would have ever said that!! What can we say or do to show him the importance of all his school work? I've tried everything I can think of. His doctor tells him that just as Mom has a job that she goes to every day, school is his job right now. How he is now, is a picture into what his future will be. One would think that would work, but, so far, it has not...

I guess as parents, all we can pray for is to keep our children safe, happy and loved. I have to believe that everything else will, eventually, fall into place. One day, he will wake up before me, ready to go to school and ask me why I wouldn't get up...

Days like this...

2010-03-03T20:21:00.006-05:00

Today started out like every other day this week. Got up early, cleaned the house, took my shower, got my son up and we were out the door by 7 a.m. Work was moving along, albeit slow, it was moving. I realized around 3:05 p.m., I had not heard from my son. That got me worried. He usually calls earlier to tell me he's made it home. Sometimes, it can be as late as 3:30.

I decided not to panic, but, I did whisper a little prayer asking that he be okay. Around 3:20 he called. He couldn't get into the house and his key was "stuck" in the door. So, I left work, grabbing my paperwork as I can work from home if need be from time to time, and headed home. When I got home, the first thing I noticed was the "for sale" sign was up. It made me a little sad...but, the task at hand was getting in our house. I could tell the lock had been broken and his key in the deadbolt was broken. So, $399 and an hour later, we were in the house. I wasn't expecting it to cost that much.

We ran to pick up Kasey from doggy day care and then we headed out to eat. When we got home, I went downstairs to work...but, for some reason, I could not get connected to the network so we had to actually go into my office at 7:30 so I could finish up my work.

Surprisingly, with everything that happened those are not what upset me. When we were walking to our car to go to my office, our neighbors, directly to the right of our house, were getting in their car and they asked if we were really moving. So, I stopped and told them about moving to Nebraska and that my son and I would be here till June. Another neighbor, about three houses down from us, came up and interrupted saying "oh, good, the crazy people are moving." My neighbor said oh no, we don't want them to go they are our friends. As she walked away, she said "no, she is a bitch." I just stood there. I couldn't believe it. My neighbor tried to console me by telling me she had suffered some kind of a mental breakdown a few months ago and not to pay attention to her. But, by the time I made it to the car, I was in tears.

My son asked me what was wrong, I told him what the lady had said. He was very upset and said, "no SHE is the bitch." I of course, told him that wasn't the kind thing to say...secretly I was grateful to have him come to my defense. I don't know what I have ever done to that particular neighbor to have her think of me that way. There have been times when I have come home and she walked by and I smiled at her and all she did was scowl at me. I guess, after that, I stopped trying to be a "good neighbor" and ignored her.

Why did it upset me so much? I guess because no matter how much I say what other people think of me doesn't matter, it does. One of my co-workers recently told me I was being short and snippy with her. I was assured by one of my BFF's at work that, no, I was that way to everyone...only when I was under a deadline or busy, that no one likes to be interrupted for silly questions when they are under the gun (so to speak). She brought me to tears that day too. I told her, when she asked me what she had done, that I was under a lot of stress at work and out of work and that if I was acting that way, I was sorry. So, in the course of a two week period, I have been called short, snippy and a bitch.

Talking with my husband he assured me that those two people do not make up the sum of what or who I am. That there are plenty of other people out there who think otherwise. He of course, being one of them...but, he has to, he is married to me! Seriously, life is made of up moments that can define who you are...these two moments, are not who I am. I have to believe it...

Limbo Land

2010-03-02T18:24:00.003-05:00

The paint is dry, the house is spotless...thanks to the tireless work of my father and mother-in-law, family and friends. The extra keys have been made and the pictures for the internet have been taken. What am I supposed to do now?

It's difficult, at best, to act like life is going on in any semblance of normalcy. I feel unsettled, sometimes, uneasy. We worked hard to get to this moment, of our house going on the market, it consumed our days, evenings and weekends. Now that it's on the market, I am at a loss. Sure, I must keep it clean...no dirty dishes in the sink, no muddy dog paw prints on the floor, no personal items out and about, etc. I had someone come today that is going to help me keep it spotless every other week. She asked me if my house "is always this clean." I had to laugh. Um, no, not really. I think she wondered what the heck I needed her for!!

When I look around my house, I get nervous, I see things that could be, should be "fixed". But, we just can't do everything. Then, I remember the day we first saw this house. It was only the second house we looked at and we knew, this was the one. I don't remember looking at the things I am seeing now and thinking, nope, this house won't do. No, I remember the feeling it brought. I could see us living here, enjoying the deck on the back, seeing the large basement that would end up being the heart of our house. I am hoping that when people see the house, they will look beyond the fact that we didn't update the bathrooms or the kitchen, and see what a wonderful home this will make. Like it has been for us...

This feeling of being in limbo does not suit me. I like to have things finalized and done. I am a planner...much to my husband's dismay. I am learning to let go...if we are traveling anywhere, I just might wait till the night before we are to leave to pack...not the two weeks before. I also think I want to be in Nebraska, with my husband and parents...house hunting. I want to know where I will be living once we leave this home. It's not just about a house. I want our little family to be "together". It seems strange to me to drop my dog off at day care...he's usually home, enjoying the couch and chair... Even as I write this, I am having a hard time putting into words how I am feeling.

I guess, I need to focus on the "usual"...waking my son up to go to school, working, coming home and making dinner, surfing the internet, watching NCIS (ha), getting ready for bed...with a little cleaning involved now and again. But, even the usual, doesn't feel normal. I know I am not the first person to feel this way, no doubt, it will pass. I guess for right now, I will try to adjust to limbo land...I don't like it very much, so, I hope I don't have to stay for long...

And so it begins...

2010-01-31T19:28:00.002-05:00

I sit here, after a long day of cleaning, organizing, re-organizing, and purging...and, that was just my closet! Okay, a dresser and bed side table were also emptied, the bathroom vanity was de-cluttered and Sam's room could not escape the de-clutter process either! The more I did, the more I wanted to do.

When it comes to de-cluttering and purging, I like to take my time. I go over every piece of clothing or paper to make sure it is actually time to toss it or give it away. I would not call myself a hoarder my any means, just sentimental. So, if I am going to let something go, I really need to think about it. If something gets thrown away without my knowledge, watch out (just ask my husband). He has promised not to throw anything out while he is doing his part of the cleaning/purging until he asks me. He is not sentimental when it comes to "things". I think that is one of the reasons we balance each other so well.

I am looking at the calendar, February 1 is tomorrow. I have 28 days until my husband leaves for Lincoln. Then, there will be four months that I will become a single mom. A part of me is terrified of that thought. So, before he leaves, we will be getting the house ready to be put on the market. We are having carpets replaced, carpets cleaned, extra things put in storage, etc., etc. I need to watch some more HGTV to make sure I have staged my house well enough to sell! Okay, I know, not going to have much time for HGTV.

Of course, I am a little worried at how well our son and I will get along in Dad's absence. He really is a great kid. He wasn't the happiest soul when we told him we were moving. He told us we could go but leave him here! A normal reaction I am almost certain. But, like the trooper that he is, he turned a corner and has started helping by looking at houses on the internet. He has certain specifications for our new house: a game room and a swimming pool...a game room, perhaps, not so sure about the pool!! He has also asked if we can go and see Grandma and Grandpa every day...He also mentioned wanting a "modern" house like Aunt Kara.

Sometimes, as I think about the months a head a sadness washes over me. How do you say good bye to so many people that have meant so much to you? I know, over the next few months, I will be writing more and more about our move. Also, about the wonderful friends I will be leaving behind. So, stick around...it's going to be filled with laughter and tears. The start of an adventure!

Back to the Future

2010-01-30T13:15:00.002-05:00

PROLOGUE: Can one have a prologue on a blog entry...well, I am starting a new trend. I wrote this post about three weeks ago. When the seed was planted about moving to Nebraska. Now, it has grown into a beautiful, tall, strong tree...my husband reports to Lincoln on March 1 and our son and I will follow in mid-June (after the school year ends).

Back to the Future

I titled it that, not because of the movie, but, because of what decisions may need to be made in the near future. As I am writing this, I am home, sick, with my mind and heart filled with many thoughts and emotions that I am unable to share right now. My husband asked me to please not talk to anyone before we know what is happening. So, by the time you are reading this, you may know, either way, what decision was made. To either move (back) to Nebraska or stay here in Maryland.

As we were leaving to his holiday party Saturday night, he told me he went and looked at the job postings for Staples, as he does periodically, and, the day he looked the GM position in Lincoln was posted. In a split decision, he called his district manager and asked him if he could post for it (he needed his permission to do so). His DM told him yes, he could (after calling him an explicative—meant only lovingly I am certain). So, he posted for the job of GM in Lincoln, Nebraska. He has heard nothing as of yet, only received an e-mail saying they received his post and they would be in contact with him in the next couple of weeks. They would be very lucky to get my husband. He is a seasoned GM with Staples and a great team leader. He runs his store well. True, the store is as good as the people they can hire, so at times, his current store has been a source of frustration for him. But, he is pulling it out of the bottom ranks.

First, I was shocked he actually posted for it. That was my immediate reaction. Then, as he continued to talk about the domino effect it would have on our lives, Sam’s life, I sat back, in quiet contemplation. I wanted to tell him I don’t want to go back to Nebraska. This is where my life is. I thought about my work, Sam’s school, my friends…the list goes on. But, then, I thought about what was back in Lincoln; my family and many friends. What scares me most about going back is when I left, I was a different person. I was the Monique everyone expected or wanted me to be. I am, at this moment, my own person. That is what I am scared of going back to…the person I was.

I see God’s hand in this, either way it goes. I am, fully leaving it in his control. Sure, I want to know NOW what the decision will be, but, at no greater time is your faith tested then in times like these. Where everything you know is in question. Everything that is of comfort to you may be changing. His will is always best….even if we don’t see it right away.

Could I be happy back in Lincoln? That is the million dollar question. I have grown, in every aspect of my being; spiritually, emotionally, etc. I would not go back to the Church I grew up in. I would seek out a Church like I have here. My family and friends would need to accept that this is what I believe now. Many of my beliefs are the same, and yet, completely different. As I write this, the thought comes into mind, perhaps there is another Lincoln that I don’t know about. A Lincoln that was there all the time, just not mine for the taking, until now. Finding the “right” church, may just be a start to getting to know the Lincoln I never knew existed as I was raised in a very small community of it.

What about Sam? Are the school systems in Lincoln as good as here? Will the teachers be as effective in teaching as they are here? How will he react to the move? Here is where he was born and started school. This is where his friends are. It has never been easy for him to make friends. This is where his psychologist is. Who will take over his counseling? His medication? Will we find a pediatrician like Dr. Takai? Are all these just “comforts”? I am sure there are capable doctors and psychologists in Lincoln.

When I left Lincoln, I was ready for a change. I had hesitations: what if I couldn’t find a job, I’d be leaving my job for what? What if, what if… True, a couple of years ago, I was ready to move to New Hampshire, it seems silly now to have wanted to go. It was simply because my desire for a single family house was so strong. I love that area of the country. I fell in love with it the first time we went to Maine. But, to move just for a house was completely silly. I see that now. We would have moved to a place where we knew no one. I am glad, in the end that it did not work out. With what we would make selling our town house here, we would more than be able to afford a house of our dreams in Lincoln. This time, I don’t think we would be moving just for a house…

My parents are there, they are getting up there in age. I have long said I would like to be able to repay them for what they gave to me. If we moved back to Lincoln, it could happen. I have many friends still left in Lincoln. I, again, unfortunately, would feel farther away from my family in France. I know this sounds silly, but, I feel closer to them here. Would they come and visit us in Nebraska? Would my Dad come back to the states ever, if we were in Lincoln? What about the many friends I have made here? Would they come to visit us in Nebraska? I don’t think I could live without Rebecca in my life. What about Joy? Christine? Claire?

What about my work? Will I find a job that makes me happy? Will I find a job that has a boss like mine now? Someone who is caring and honest? Or, is it time for me to go out on a limb and start my own business like I have always wanted to do? To be that personal shopper and/or party planner? I know I can bring my writing and Cookie Lee with me. If I could, I’d bring Adventist Home Health with me too. If I move back to Lincoln, will I lose the self confidence in myself once again?

When I moved here, it was nice to have people like me for me, get to know who I was, not what I was or what my history was. They took me at face value. I would want that to continue if I were to move back to Lincoln. I have accepted the fact that not everyone is going to like me. And, that is okay.

I am a completely different person now than I was 15 years ago, I am a wife, mother, friend, writer, jewelry consultant, lover of books, women’s ministry coordinator, nursery school teacher, etc., etc. I like what I have become. Though the surroundings may change, I think it is important to not allow the person to change. So, the question remains, could I be happy in Lincoln? I hear no, no, no; but my heart is saying yes.

This may all be for naught. Who knows what will happen. So, for now, I am going to quiet my soul and pray. Pray that God leads us in whatever direction He desires for us. To truly leave it at the feet of the cross.

Feeling Sad Today

2010-01-27T12:00:00.000-05:00

I am feeling sad for my son today. For the first time, he verbalized how he
perceives someone’s feelings towards him. And, I don’t think he is far off. What saddens me most is that it is someone that is supposed to love him, unconditionally; flaws and all.

It makes sense now, as to why he behaves a certain way when we are with that part of the family. He is reacting the way they perceive him. It is what is expected. Why disappoint them if they are already disappointed. It seems he has completely given up on trying to understand why or even be accepted by them as any thing else. When someone continually rolls their eyes at him and sighs when he does something they perceive as wrong. However, another child can do the same thing, and it is funny or cute. I see the double standard and, it’s hurtful. For a long time, I thought it was just me seeing it, unfortunately, he not only sees it, but feels it as well.

So, what do you do? He was told he was “spoiled and selfish.” I have seen his generous side, on more than one occasion. Just recently, he let one his friends take his DS Lite to use. I have seen him with my friends’ children and how he plays with them. I have seen how he is when he helps me in the Nursery at Church.

I told him I knew he wasn’t selfish, that I had seen, first hand his gentle and giving heart. Not to let someone’s words or quick judgment define who he is or who is will become. He is, after all, a mere eleven years old. He has his whole world a head of him. For now, I just want him to know he is loved, unconditionally by me and his Dad. In the long run, that is what matters…right?

Polish

2010-01-26T14:00:00.002-05:00

I am sitting there and thinking about nail polish, of all things. How, when you go and have a manicure, you come out and your hands and nails look perfect. The nails are trimmed and buffed and the color is on perfectly. There are no flaws, just perfection.

The moment you leave the safety and comfort of the salon, your nails, are, once again subject to the same harm they meet every other day. There is the sorting of laundry, the cooking of dinner, the cleaning of the kitchen, the clicking on the computer keyboard, playing catch with your kids…the list goes on.

As much as your nails were perfect, even with their protective top coat, they start to fade, or worse, chip and peel. The only way, it seems, to protect them, is to wear gloves every second of the day. Not a very realistic option.

Now, don’t laugh (okay, you can), but, it makes me think of my relationship with God. When I continually depend on him and allow him to lead my life, I feel trimmed, buffed and perfect! However, when I “forget” to allow him to lead, I put myself out in the world to subject myself to the same harm that awaits each of us daily. I begin to fade…even, peel and chip!

That must be why he gave us prayer. So that he can be our “gloves” each and every day. To cover us with his love and protection. I know, kind of a silly analogy, but, just think about it…

Right now, my nails are dry and brittle, much like my prayer life…I think a trip to the salon may be in order, not to mention some time alone in prayer…

Crime & Punishment

2010-01-17T19:25:00.003-05:00

As a parent, how do you decide what punishment to render for the various crimes your children commit? Today, for example, my son refused to get out of bed and attend Church with me. He was told what time we were leaving and if he was not up and ready to go, he would face the consequence of losing his privileges. Those privileges, short of his life, are the following: PS3, computer and TV. Clearly, he made his choice and stayed in bed.

Not for lack of trying on my part, mind you. About every 10 minutes I would enter his room, tell him to get dressed and get ready, etc., etc. When I called my husband (who was at work) to tell him that our son "chose" to stay home, he said, "how could he choose, he is supposed to go." Okay, yeah, on paper, that looks fine and dandy. But, in the heat of the moment, I don't think yelling and pulling him physically out of his bed was an option for me...he is almost as tall as me now.

He asked me this afternoon if we could watch some "family TV". I said, um, no. You cannot watch TV. He said, "not even the news with Dad?" Again, the answer was no. He, of course, feels the punishment is way to severe for the crime. I made sure to to let Dad know at dinner tonight that under no circumstance is he allowed to watch TV, play his games or be on the computer; right now, until next week. I will decide then, if he is worthy to receive those privileges back.

Yes, he has lost his privileges before and yet, he continues down this path of resistance (for lack of a better word) to the house rules. I can see how it happens. Usually one of the parents makes the punishment while the other breaks it, whether innocently or out of a need for some peace and quiet. The boy can argue! I've decided, instead of a pet shop owner, he really should consider law school.

If need be, I am ready to unplug his PS3 and sell it to the highest bidder on E-Bay...harsh, yes. Necessary? You tell me! He seems to love that more than...was going to say life, perhaps... So, if you take away that privilege for every crime committed, does that teach him a lesson? I remember getting spanked with a belt when I was bad (of course, it wasn't very often...). If I spank him, he tells me that is abuse and he is going to report me.

For our son, there is a big difference in his personality and behavior when he doesn't take his medication. When he takes it, it is a good day. True, he still has behaviour issues, but, for me as his parent, and for his teachers, it is easier to "reign" him in or get him back to the task at hand. When he gets up late, we choose to forgo the meds for the day. It is our decision...one, we sometimes regret by the end of the day. I worry that we rely too much on his medication, not just to help him at school, but, to help us here at home as well. At one point, the doctors said to give him the medications during the week and take him off of them on weekends. Now, it is the opposite. Like medication for depression, etc., it has to build up in their system. You wouldn't think it would make such a big difference in his behavior, but, it does.

Which brings me to another question. Is it fair to punish him when he is unable to control himself without his medication? We have told him he cannot use not having his meds as an excuse, that he must learn "self-control". Should there be different levels of crimes and punishment? For me, I pray that he can be taken off the meds as he gets older and more mature. He will always have ADHD, that will not change. It is the lessons he chooses to learn that will define his personality and behavior choices in the future. For me, I want the punishment to fit the crime...so, he doesn't ever have to do any time...

Maintenance

2010-01-10T07:40:00.004-05:00

I have been thinking a lot of maintenance, not on my car or house, though, those are important things to maintain. No, was thinking about me, as a woman in general and what it takes to "maintain" myself.

Had an event coming up on the weekend and my roots of gray (or is it grey) were showing and my usual stylist does not have evening hours during the week, so I made the decision to run to the nearest Hair Cuttery to have it colored. Not cut, just colored. Of course, my husband said "what if they ruin it?" Thanks, honey. But, he had only verbalized what I was thinking. We put a lot of trust in those that style our hair. I have to say the final product turned out fine. Just to be sure, I asked a friend at work what she thought about my hair color. Hopefully, she was being honest and not just nice when she told me it looked good...

When the stylist was working on my hair, she made the comment "you have a lot of hair!" A statement I hear often, even from my regular stylist. I think, if I were to choose the one thing about myself I like, it would be my hair (when it is newly colored and no gray is showing, of course). And, that is what got me thinking.

As women, we not only maintain our hair, but our fingers and toes and the hairs on our chinny chin chin(s), upper lip and eyebrows. Do men fret as much about their hair? My husband is rather sensitive to the fact he is graying. He has colored his hair, but, I have said he cannot do that any more, men, when they gray, look good. Well, that is just my opinion... So, of course, he asked me why I get to color mine...I have no answer for him other than, I just do!!

We even have a sense of maintenance about our weight. I don't know if an office full of men would talk as much about the cookie diet or weight watchers than mine! I know they care about their weight and appearance, I am just wondering if it is as much as we do. And, who exactly are we maintaining ourselves for? Perhaps that is the actual issue at hand.

I have always liked dressing up for work or going out. Now that I have gotten older (and, a little heavier), I find myself not really into it as much as my younger days. I was always a skirt or dress kind of girl, now, I wear pants every day. Not that pants are a bad thing. You can be very dressed up in pants. I find myself dressing for comfort more than look these days. My husband has never been one to get down on me about my weight or how I look. I am my harshest critic. I seem to work hardest on maintaining my hair and make up. Making sure my eyebrows aren't bushy or the moustache on my upper lip isn't too long, etc., etc.

Men talk about women being high maintenance or low maintenance...I think I fall into the in between maintenance. Occasionally, I get a manicure and pedicure or a massage. It's not a daily or even weekly occurrence, it is more like a treat. I am wondering if maintaining ourselves is just that, a treat. To have the stylist work on your hair, or have someone massage your tired feet and hands, to let someone else do the maintaining for once. But, then, I think about when I pull the hairs off my chin in the car and my husband says I am vain...I don't think I am vain. I don't want to embarrass him or myself by having a long, dark hair hanging off my chin!

So, back to the event that started this whole thought process. When we arrived, for the first time, I did not feel I looked any better or worse than the other women there. I did not feel like they were going to look at me and judge me for my appearance. I did that all on my own before the event even took place! Did I have to get my hair colored to "fit in", probably not. I did it because I wanted to look good. So, for all this maintenance that we women do, when it comes right down to it, we do it for ourselves, to be happy within and about ourselves. We maintain a certain look or style because that is what we are comfortable in.

As this middle-of-the-road maintenance girl is typing, she feels the roughness of her feet and thinks, a pedicure is in order, and soon...some maintenance is never ending.

Good Day?Bad Day

2010-01-04T18:46:00.004-05:00

Is it possible to have a good and bad day at the same time? It started out good...I got to work early and was able to catch up with what I'd missed when I was off. I even wrote down everything I ate in my journal (okay, haven't done that yet tonight). For the most part, I felt good, which I haven't felt in a while. I was, actually, happy, I mean, really happy.

People that know me, know me well, are not surprised by that statement. Most people think I am happy all the time...I try...really, I do. I am a pretty good actress when I need to be! Anyway, people around the office that usually irk me, didn't seem to bother me, or, at least, I didn't let them. I felt good!

Then, it happened. One of our aides called out sick. She had to go to the emergency room as she was bleeding and, she is pregnant--which, we did not know. So, I ask for prayers for her. Then, one of our new RN's that just started, has decided home care is not for her, she is going to go with hospice again. Can't say I blame her. All the new paperwork, etc., it takes a lot of time and, if you are not familiar with it, it's very difficult. So, I thought I would finally have some breathing room at work...alas, I will not. But, those things are work issues. It surprisingly, did not bother me as much as it would have, say 3 weeks ago. I left work, still happy, a little sad, but, happy just the same!

I got home to a boy whose first day of school went well, but, he was hoping I would change my mind about not allowing him to play his PS3 during the school week. I told him, before vacation ended, that it would not happen until his grades went up. Okay, so, he has a couple of "C's"...but, he can do better. His science teacher told us, he is an "A" student. Well, he was not happy that I was actually sticking to my guns. So, he promptly went up to his room and went to bed. When I went to check on him, he told me to go away and close the door.

In his defense, he has been sick. So, I am not surprised that he fell asleep at 5 p.m. I did tell him this kind of behavior was not getting him any points! What is the point of making rules if they get changed all the time? Now, I was firm with him, but, I didn't get angry or upset like I have been known to do in the past.

So, it has just been the dog and I hanging out tonight. I made the enchiladas for the Wells Robertson dinner tomorrow. Later, I am going to work on some things for the Church I have coming up. I am, however, still happy...just not at the 100% I when I woke up! So, can you have a good and bad day together? I am gonna say yes. I learned some things today as well...

The aide calling out sick and the RN quitting, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And, how it gets resolved is not up to me. That, is someone else's worry. I learned today to not worry about things that are out of my control.

I also learned that I am not the reason my son is disappointed. That I am the parent and if I make a rule or regulation, I need to stick with it, that there are consequences if they are not followed. He told me, in his anger, that "there was a time today when he was by himself that he could have played with it, but, he didn't and now, he wished he had." I assured him I appreciated that he did not play it, but, that did I have to not just take it away, but, literally take it away? I explained this is where trust comes in. He needs to trust my judgment when making rules just as I must trust him to keep them, in my presence or not.

All in all, it was a good day. There were more positives than negatives. I learned that the sadness or disappointments that come up aren't always in my control, so, I need to let them go. I keep thinking of what Sheri Rose Shepherd says, "He is God, I am not." When the problems are mine and I can solve them, I will; but, learning to let go of the ones that aren't mine, is a whole lot easier!

List

2009-12-31T09:03:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking of this resolution thing...I think I am resolute to the fact I need to make some resolutions... Hopefully, that is the correct way to use the word resolute, I have been wanting to use it all day!

This is my list so far: lose weight, exercise...well, let's get more specific here. Join an exercise class, whether it be Jazzercise or Zumba. I think the more specific resolutions are, the more one might attempt to actually make them happen (just a theory of mine, I haven't tested it just yet). Start writing, on my blog (consistently) and start that novel that is swirling around in my head. Start cooking/baking more, less eating out. Start saving money (the financial advisers are cringing at that statement--I am pretty sure saving money is something I should have started before I turned 46). Don't worry, we do have quite a little sum saved towards Sam's college, it's just our retirement I am worried about!! How are we ever going to afford that little villa in France if we don't have any money saved up...

I am getting tired already of all the things on my list and I've only just begun to touch the surface with all I would like to accomplish in 2010! May be that is why resolutions are so hard to keep. We have good intentions, but, with weighing our list down, we lose interest and steam! Maybe my resolutions should be what I wish for in 2010: good health, happiness, and continued love of God, family and friends. That does seem a lot simpler than my rather long list I started earlier.

As life continues, so do our resolutions and/or wishes for it. I can remember a New Year's Eve in 2004 when my boyfriend proposed to me at midnight. He made my 2005 wish come true! Oh, I did say yes, by the way... Then, in 1998 another wish came true with the birth of our son. Every new year I wish for him, good health, happiness and love. It seems my resolution/wishes change with the season of my life.

The constant theme does seem to be; health, happiness and love. Yes, I like this list much better. Short and sweet. And, much more attainable, so it would seem! That is my wish for you this coming year 2010: Health, Happiness and Love...and, if you find any extra money around, just send it to me for our French villa fund...we will have a guest room...or, two!

Happy New Year!!

The New Year is just around the corner...

2009-12-28T18:25:00.002-05:00

It's that time again, to make a list and check it twice, or, at least once...you know the list of your new year resolutions. I truly cannot remember writing down my resolutions and then referring back to it every so often throughout the year, then, on the eve of the new year, checking things off or seeing what I failed to accomplish. Is a list necessary?

Do we ever really intend to keep our resolutions? Isn't it more of a tradition to make the list on New Years? There are, no doubt, some good resolutions that people make, like to stop smoking, or to lose weight (I think that is always on the top of my list, each and every year). What about a resolution to be kinder to those around you that may in actuality, annoy the heck out of you? Is it possible, that just by writing it down and making it a resolution, that it will happen? What is the driving force behind resolutions? Is it to benefit yourself or those around you?

In retrospect, I would think if they benefit you, they will in turn benefit those around you. For example, I would like to be more accepting of someone I work with, some of the things she does annoys me (not just me, by the way). I don't like being that way. So, should I make one of my resolutions to be more accepting of her? Why should I even wait and make it a resolution, shouldn't I be more accepting now? What is the difference if I wait till New Year's or do it now?

I can see how many resolutions take steps, like losing weight. It certainly won't happen over night (although, I pray it will every day...). Is a New Year's resolution intended to be for things that require more time? Could it be more of a challenge than a resolution, like running a marathon? Or, is a resolution something to talk about once a year as a reflection of what you want to be or do in the coming year? I truly am in a dilemma here.

What would I put on my list? Well, first (and, foremost), lose weight. Exercise more. Read more books. Stop spending money (my husband would especially like that one). Study the Bible more. Start saving money for a single family house. Be more patient with Sam, Kasey and, even Steve. Have more patience with those I work with that annoy me. I could go on. But, as I write my list, I see that these are things I want to do now, not just at the beginning of the new year. If I make this my list and I fail at each and every one, do I make them my continual New Year's resolutions? If that is the case, then, really, shouldn't they be called Recycled New Year's Resolutions? You are just bringing them back every year. At least you would be taking this "going green" seriously...sorry, I thought that was funny.

So, my theory is that the making of New Year's resolutions is simply a tradition. Something to do each year, sometimes the same resolutions are on the list, other times, new and exciting ones are added. Let me see, what could my new and exciting resolution be.....perhaps this is the year I learn to ride a bike...or not.

Clarification

2009-12-27T15:46:00.002-05:00

I felt I needed to clarify about what I said about being and SDA and feeling more like a Christian now. What I meant was I was born into the church and was never really given a "choice" of whether that is what I wanted or not. I have always known Jesus is my saviour, but, never really known Him. The SDA church has given me many of my core beliefs, that I still believe. You won't catch me eating ham or shrimp! It was comfortable for me, it is all I knew.

Today, I feel I have made the choice to follow Jesus on my own. It was a gift given to me from above. No I don't always act the way I should, but, I know that God forgives me, if I ask Him to. Everlasting life is something you gain the moment you commit your heart to Him. It does not depend on what you do that gets you into heaven. What you do, should be the the icing on the cake...what you choose to do to glorify Him so that others will see Him in you. When I help out in the nursery at Church it isn't because I feel I "have" to it is because I want to. The same when I participate in the women's ministry team or teach Sunday school.

Many of my best friends are practicing SDA's. I admire them for their faith. I have chosen to believe that God's chosen people can be from any denomination or none at all; as long as Jesus Christ is the center of their life. I cannot wait for Jesus to come again and take us all to heaven. I think there will be lots of people there that just might surprise you!

Christmas

2009-12-26T16:53:00.002-05:00

It's hard to believe that the day is over. Why can't it be everyday? I know, that would not be very realistic. It is a day to be with the one's you love and share in the delight of getting or giving that "perfect" gift! I truly love the joy of gift giving, whether on Christmas or not. I enjoy watching someones face when the gift is revealed under all that wrapping paper and/or tissue for the first time. That to me is the greatest gift, knowing you put a lot of thought and heart into picking out that gift. It makes me think about the gift that God gave us. Allowing His only son to come down and become human. He knew where it was taking him, what path he would have to follow. Instead of making His son's life easy, he gave him to us, "the perfect gift". He put his heart into this gift so that we may have life...everlasting life at that. What an amazing man he is! It is the gift that keeps on giving, one to cherish through lifetimes.

I pray that some day, my son will realize what God and Jesus are all about. I know he has an idea. He read the Bible from beginning to end about two years ago. It made him think. When he was scared, he would ask me to pray with him to have that fear taken away. Right now, he seems resistant to any matters of Church. I am afraid if we push him, he may resent it and never have the gift that God is offering. So, our dilemma is when to push and when to stop. We hope that he sees through us, the glory of God's love. Sometimes, however, that is hard to see, even for me!

I was born a Seventh-day Adventist. I was raised in the church. I went to church and Sabbath school every Saturday. I went to SDA schools from Kindergarten to college. Being a "christian" wasn't a choice for me, it WAS my way of life. I have been away from the SDA Church now for a few years. I consider myself a Christian more today then I did when I was growing up. To me, being a christian isn't necessarily just a way of life, it is a way of being. It is also a choice. I hold a very basic truth close in my heart, God loves me, no matter what. He will not forsake me, it is I that turns my back on Him. As for my child, I want him to realize he does have a choice. It is for him to decide, not me or his father. When he is ready, I pray he makes the best choice. My choice, just may not be his.

What I can do though is pray. Pray like my Grandma Swim did everyday for her husband, who did not know Christ. I believe when he died, he gave his life to Jesus. Prayers are answered, in God's time. So, perhaps I just need to remember to pray for my son, that God will lead him and some day, we will both share the most wonderful gift of all!

Merry Christmas Eve!

2009-12-24T23:02:00.001-05:00

It’s Christmas Eve and we decided to break our tradition of opening gifts on Christmas morning…we broke more than one tradition today…

First, we didn’t have our usual Christmas Eve dinner of pot roast cooked in the crock pot. We had Chinese food. I rushed home from work to finish wrapping gifts that in itself is a rarity for me, usually, by now, all the gifts are wrapped and placed under the tree. Usually, the house and tree are decorated to the nines; this year, they weren’t lucky to even be considered a “2”. Beautiful white lights adorn the tree with one lone White House ornament. We did manage to get the tree skirt found and under the tree.

We had friends over for dessert after we went to our Christmas Eve service at church. One of my favorite things is to find the right gifts for friends and family. That is one of the biggest joys of Christmas for me. I love watching the kids open their gifts and smile with excitement. The way they clutch their gifts close to them, not letting them out of their sight the entire evening. That is the greatest gift for me!

We decided, since we are opening gifts early tomorrow with the Saunders’ family in Virginia, to open our gifts tonight—our tradition has always been to open them on Christmas morning. I am typing this on one of my gifts, my new Acer net book. Steve seemed excited about his new digital picture frame and, of course, Sam is ecstatic about his PS3. There were other gifts, all from the heart, for each of us; these were just the “highlights”!

There is no one reason I can pinpoint as to why this Christmas was more difficult for me to prepare for. Yes, there was work and extra activities to attend to. But, when I had the time, all I could do or wanted to do, was nothing.

Even though the house didn’t get decorated, the tree full of ornaments, or pumpkin pie baked, it was a wonderful Christmas Eve. I was with good friends, my husband and son. The sound of laughter throughout the house made me happy. Sometimes, traditions are best put aside in order to make new ones.

So, tomorrow is Christmas. I am excited at any new traditions we might find along the way…

Merry Christmas!!

Torn

2009-11-24T06:55:00.001-05:00

It’s not what you think…”between two lovers”… No, my being torn is between the parents that I love. See, unlike most people, I was brought up with two fathers and two mothers. My biological parents had me until I was about the age of 13 and my “adoptive” family had me from 13 on…so far, they still call me their “daughter” and, I don’t think that will ever end.

Most you already know my “history”, so, I won’t bore you with the details…again. I have a great love and respect for my Father in France. I know he made a difficult decision in difficult times. It may have at the time, been the wrong decision, but, in the end, it was the right one. He raised my brother and sisters and he should be very proud. They have flourishing careers and beautiful families. It wasn’t easy for him, to go back to France and start over from scratch. He was blessed to find a wonderful wife, Madeliene and they have been married for over twenty years now. They combined their two families, not with ease, but, they made it work. If I were to have one “regret”, it would be not being able to grow up with my brother and sisters. So much was missed, memories that never were. There are, however, memories from the now. I wouldn’t trade those for anything. I love them very much.

Perhaps “torn” is not the right word, it’s more like guilt…perhaps self imposed. I have always felt a little guilty for loving my Nebraska parents. I don’t know if I have ever really resolved my feelings by talking things through with my Dad. I know at some point, he must have felt hurt and betrayed; and, yet thankful to have someone else raising his child. Just as his move back to France was right, my being taken in by the Berthelsen’s, was also right. The Lord had a plan and He put it into motion.

Now that I am getting older and have a child of my own, I am grateful for the love they still bestow upon me. There is no condition attached to it. Just the knowledge that they are here for me is a comfort. I feel this way about my Father as well. I know if I needed anything, I could count on all of them. They each give, in different ways; in ways they are able.

Sam is very lucky. He has learned so much from both sets of grandfathers. He has Grandpa Owen to thank for his love of fishing and for his being “part Danish”…I know, not really, but, since he has been around Grandpa Owens’ germs…only a child could come up with that logic! He has his Grandpa in France’s love of books and history. He has also sparked an interest in learning and speaking French. He is proud of his French/Danish heritage…and, he loves both of them, very much. Just as he does both Grandmothers. Grandma Jeri read to him as a baby and I believe that also contributed to his love of reading. Grandma Maddie in France always makes sure he has just the right food to eat and is equally entertained as his cousins. A boy cannot ask for much more…

My parents in Nebraska will be coming in March. I am very excited. I am also concerned. They are driving through on their way back to Florida. Apparently, he needs another treatment. I am probably thinking the worst, but, the thought of losing him, either one of them, scares me. I am of the belief that they will be around forever and ever…okay, so now you know where Sam gets his logic. I cannot imagine life without them. They are the givers of life…at least, my life. When things seemed so bleak, they gave me a home, love and a world of opportunity. What have they asked from me, nothing. If I could just give back half of what they gave me…

It’s getting harder and harder to take the time to go and see them. I wish I were independently wealthy and could travel at will. I would bide my time between Nebraska, France, Washington state (that is for another blog entry, some day), and, then back again. But, unfortunately, I am not, so, I treasure the times we do go or, they come to us.

Is it possible to love each parent, equally? I think so. There are no favorites in this scenario, not like there can be with siblings or grandchildren; no, I love each parent, equally, but, differently. They have each contributed their world to me and I love them for that. Without the first, there wouldn’t be the second. Without the second, I may not be here to have the first as part of my life again.

There are so many “what ifs” in life; this is not one I want to ponder. I know, I am loved, by both. I know that I will be devastated if something were to happen to either one of them. My heart is big, and, I have plenty of room for both. I need for each parent to understand and accept the other and put any hard feelings there might be aside. Life is so short…we have so much left of our lives to share. As I grow older, my one wish, is to love; guilt-free. In the end, it’s all up to me, to shed the self-imposed guilt. It is up to me to remind them, each, that I love them, with all my heart…forever and always.

Saturday night...

2009-11-21T17:06:00.003-05:00

It's Saturday night, I have just finished cutting out Sam's pictures for his French project due on Tuesday. He needs to be working on his Egyptian project that is due on Monday. He is going to build a replica of the great Pyramids...well, perhaps one or two of them... Where is Sam you might ask? He is outside playing football with the neighborhood kids. Can we say procrastinate much??

He was diligently working with me, however, when his friend came to the door, I could not say no...the weather is chilly, but, not that winter chill that makes it difficult to stay outside for more than two minutes. I don't know how much longer they will be able to enjoy playing outside, so, I gave in.

Sam has very distinct ideas on how he wanted to do his projects, my suggestions were vetoed before I even finished saying them. He likes things fast and easy. He is a "no frills" kind of guy. To me, more frills equal a higher grade for creativity...he doesn't quite see that yet. He just wants to get in and get it done in the least amount of time and effort allotted!

We are all guilty of procrastination, not just while we were in school. Is procrastination an art form? Hear me out... perhaps, it is for the person that works best under pressure? I see this in Sam. Not saying it's good or bad. He, like so many of us, do better under pressure. Our best work is accomplished when there is no time left to do it and, it HAS to be done NOW. Is procrastination a bad thing then? If you look at it this way...

So, he has about 45 more minutes of playtime outside with his friends. When he comes in, we will finish what we can on his French project...but, will we start his Egyptian project? There is always tomorrow...

Reflections

2009-11-13T09:36:00.002-05:00

The past two weeks have gone by so quickly. I am not sure if it is because of the start of the "holiday" rush. First comes Thanksgiving, next comes Christmas, then New Year's... The week spent off with Steve was very nice. We've never taken a staycation before, next time, I think we will plan more day trips. It was nice to reconnect with him. I think it brightened his spirits as well.

We had a great parent teacher conference on Wednesday. I know, some of you will be surprised! If you compare old posts... It appears our son is a bright, intelligent, funny, respectful person. His teachers enjoy having him in their classes, his math teacher stated, "he asks very good, thoughtful questions...and, she appreciates that!" And, "enjoys having him in her class." Of course, his old demons do make themselves known...tendency to lose focus, is somewhat disruptive in a non-structured class, however, the majority of the meeting was spent praising him, telling us he is an "A" student, and the only reason he would has a C in Science is because he didn't turn his homework in. So, that is our latest struggle (if you will). How do you teach a child about organization?? We did come up with a plan with all his teachers and he has even started to implement it. He still, however, has this angst (for lack of a better word), about letting us help him--with, not just homework, but organizing for him. He acts as if we are delving into some much private area of his life. Hopefully, this to shall pass...because, as you may remember, he was having trouble with being respectful to his peers and his teachers, apparently, now, according to all of his teachers this year he "gets along well with his peers and is very respectful" to each teacher. So, we have won one battle... the next one is to make him understand the correlation between getting his homework in and his grades up to where he wants them--he wants to make the honor roll every time!

These past couple of weeks have been a little hard as one of my friendships seems to be reaching an end. We used to talk or IM every day and now, nothing. Granted, we are both busy moms and work full time and we have other issues going on in our lives, that, I can understand. It's the sudden cease of communication that has confused me. I know, I am not the easiest person to love...but, I would hope if I have offended any of my friends, they would tell me and we can work it out. No, confrontation is never easy, but, sometimes, it's a must...that is, if the friendship was important to begin with. It has made me think of that poem that goes around on the Internet...about certain friendships for a "time, season, or reason." Perhaps our time or season/reason is up, perhaps there is something or someone else in their lives now that fills whatever needs they received from me. For whatever reason, I am glad to have had her in my life, hopefully, will continue to, even if it is not on a deeper level of what we shared before.

Friendships...are exciting, challenging, worthy and hard. All wrapped up together. I love my friends very much and hope they know that, even though we may not talk or communicate, they are an important part of my life. I will always be there for them. That, is what friends are for...right?

Food Coma

2009-11-05T20:21:00.002-05:00

I feel like I am constantly in one...a food coma, that is. Is it possible to eat yourself to death? I am at a weight I have not been since I was 13 years old, when my family was torn a part. Why now? What is going on? Why can't I stop eating? I know what I need to do, what to do, but, don't seem to have the power to do. When I walk, my feet and ankles are in pain, I can barely walk up 2 flights of stairs without becoming breathless, I cannot fit into my clothes..that alone should jar me back into reality, but, sadly it has not. I feel I am in a downward spiral with food. What is it going to take for it to stop and go the opposite direction?

What do I need to do? What is wrong? I guess I need to figure that out... Having a belly full is not the same as having a "full" heart and soul. When did what I have become not enough or a source of pain, needing to be comforted by food?

Prayer. I need that. I need to count on something other than myself. Something bigger than me. I need to believe in myself, my heart, my soul. I need to let go and let God. Corny? Not so much...

Heart...skipped...beat

2009-10-23T18:47:00.004-04:00

Facebook is amazing. It has connected me with friends from long ago to the now. I noticed, a friend from my academy days was a friend of another of my friends (say that fast 10 times). I had found him once before and sent a friend request, but, did not hear back from him. I noticed, today, that he made a comment to my other friend and now has his picture up (when I went to his page, it appears he is new to FB and only has one friend at the moment...). Except for the usual signs of age, he looks the same.

Have you ever had a friend that was always there for you, that perhaps it could have been more, but, the timing was never right? I guess, if the timing was never right, it just wasn't meant to be. Well, he is that "one" for me. Seeing his picture it got me wondering what he's been up to, where he is, is he still married? does he have children? You know, the usual snoopy things!!

I canceled my friend request, since I had done it a while ago and not heard back. I figure he doesn't feel the need to have me on his list. And, I am fine with it (believe it or not). What makes me sad is we won't have the opportunity to "catch up." I won't get to ask all my nosy questions!! To feel the joy of reconnecting with someone that made a difference in my life. No, he never knew that. The timing was just never right...

Do I attempt to friend him again? Should I? I don't know. Right now, I am just glad to know he is out there, in this big world, alive and well (I assume so, by the looks of his picture!). Perhaps, if the timing is right, he will even friend me...

Moving On...

2009-09-04T21:47:00.004-04:00

It has been a while since my last post...sorry! Perhaps I will blame it on the lazy days of summer...that, are officially over as school has started. So far, the first week has gone well...shall we cross our fingers that it stays that way?

The whole middle school experience has been, well, just that, an experience. Not just for the boy, but, for us as well. He is walking to and from school; he has his own locker; he has seven classes, which means he has to change class rooms seven times...gone are the days of just one teacher! He eats his lunch every day with his best bud at their assigned table and, he will eventually be changing his clothes for PE class. He now has access to Ed-line which will help him (and us) stay on top of his homework assignments and grades.

So with all his new responsibilities, comes ours. I had homework this week too! I had to write "in a million words or less, tell me about your child" and, I had to e-mail some of his teachers so they would have my e-mail address. And, let's not forget the many fees that were due, so, checks had to be written and sent in. I will have my head spinning keeping up with my work, let alone his too! So, if you ever see me...oh, wait, you won't be seeing me...ha! What I was going to say is that if you see me and I have no hair left, you will know, middle school got me!

The funniest thing (that at the time was not funny to me) that happened this past week was school gets out at 2:40 p.m., so, I would expect him to call and tell me he made it home safely by about 3:00 p.m. Well, no call...finally, the call telling me he was home around 4:30 p.m. I thought perhaps he just stayed later after school. Found out from his best friend's Mom, that the boys had decided to go to the ice cream store in the neighborhood. I told my boy he must call me before he does things like that and also, he needs permission. He told me he wasn't even going with his best bud, that he was going to go alone! So, not only does he need to call and get permission, but, I told him he is only 11 and that he can never go anywhere alone! I guess he got a little taste of independence and ran with it...literally! I suppose we are all like that, we get a taste of freedom and right away we test our boundaries, wanting more. We want to see just how far we go before someone reels us in.

That is how marriage is...especially after you have been married for a while. You may be at a point that you wonder what is happening or why some things aren't happening...so, instead of throwing in the towel, you realize it's time to move on...not with someone new, but, with yourself. So, since my son is moving on...in middle school without too much fanfare, I've decided to do the same. To focus on what is important. My family, friends, me, church activities and preservation of my marriage. I have let go of my expectations...okay, they are not all quite gone yet...and, decided I need to make some changes, to start with myself and perhaps, he will follow. If not, well, I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it. But, for now, I'll just be reeling and moving on...

Maine...The End...Until Next Time

2009-07-19T08:41:00.007-04:00

It seems I left you on Wednesday! Today is Sunday and we are back in the comforts of home. Kasey is wondering why! For some reason, it took us longer to get home than get to Maine... The boys are still asleep (that, is nothing new!) and I am having my first cup of coffee.

Thursday was such a fun day at camp. We had several visitors. First, Mark brought the girls (Erin and Kelly) along with his friend, Pat. It was good to see the girls. I had never met Mark before, and, I am glad I finally did! Erin and Kelly are so beautiful. Erin had fun playing with Kasey in the water while Kelly watched from the dock. Mark and Pat tried, once again, to get the raft put out, but, it was it didn't happen. More supplies were needed from the hardware store. So, Uncle Clint and Aunt Nancy stopped on their way in to retrieve them. They arrived in time for lunch and we had a wonderful lunch of hot dog and sandwiches on the front porch with Julia and Johnny. Sam and Johnny are the same age, well, Johnny is exactly 10 days older than Sam. Sam and Johnny headed for the dock, and, guess what, Sam caught his fish!! Yes, a fish. But, a beauty! He decided to put her back in the water...perhaps for next time. I helped Aunt Nancy put up the rugs that Mimi made, years ago. They had them restored and they are now being used as beautiful wall hangings. The intricate detail of each of them is amazing. The good news was that Steve and Uncle Clint got the raft out and in place! It was so good to see Julia, she is so grown up! I know I say it alot, but, she is beautiful!

Thursday night we drove into Saco and ate dinner and, then the boys dropped me off at Thornton Academy where I was privileged to see and hear Anita Shreve speak. She was amazing. She told us how she comes up with her ideas, how she does research, etc. She started the evening out reading excerpts from her new book "Testimony". Of course, I had to buy it and was lucky to get her to sign it! While I stood in line, I met a woman that had just moved from Boston to Kennebunk (hope I spelled that right!). It is an experience I will cherish for a lifetime. Not to worry about the boys, they found lots to do at Old Orchard Beach. Sam was happy to have gotten a henna tattoo. It is quite Green and slithery...it's a lizard! When Sam came in to join me in line for the book signing, I introduced him to my new friend, and she said, "I knew he was yours, he looks just like you." For some reason, I had a moment of great pride! He is a handsome little devil after all!

Friday, we enjoyed some leisurely time at the dock and cottage before we headed to Yarmouth to drop Kasey off at cousin Clint and Cath's. They dog sat for us while we headed into Freeport. Sam got his backpack at LL Bean and we ate at the new cafe they recently opened "1912 Cafe". Can you guess why it's called that? Yes, that is when LL Bean came into existence! Then, we walked around Freeport and Sam stopped at the Gap and got some clothes for school. He made out like a bandit! We even stopped at a store dedicated to Whoopie Pies!! It was yummy!! From Freeport, we headed back to Yarmouth and enjoyed visiting with Clint and Cath out on their porch. Before the Clam Festival started, Sam got to help Lily and Susannah park cars on their lawn. They got a few customers, happy to find a place to park! The girls have grown so much since we saw them two years ago. Sus is in high school already!! She has the most beautiful long, red hair. Lily has the same sweet smile! Then, we trekked the mile or so back to the heart of town in time to see the parade (and, eat some sweet potato fries). Sam was disappointed when the girls headed out with their friends, but, he had a good time on the midway. We decided to head home and stop at Toots (yes, another ice cream place!).

We woke up yesterday and started cleaning the cottage and packing our things. It is always bittersweet. You want to get home to your own bed, bathroom and every day life conveniences and yet, you know you are going to miss the serenity that Maine offers. I think I said it before, but, it's so true, life just seems to stop and you start to live when you are there. It is one of the most beautiful places on earth. So now, I am back to reality...laundry to do and work to get ready for. I think, when life gets to be too much, I will just reach in the back of my mind and take out a "Maine Moment" to remember.

Maine Trip 3

2009-07-19T08:34:00.004-04:00

Well, it’s Wednesday. Can’t believe our week is almost half over. We had a great time out on the boat yesterday. We were sad to find out our “private beach” we found two years ago is actually someone’s “private beach”… It had signs all around saying we needed to “have permission” to use it…sigh.

Kasey seemed to enjoy the boat ride and after he figured out a way to lie down, he did. He was soaking in the sun. We even had our lunch in the boat. Well, Steve and I did, Sam was not interested in eating. He was anxious to get back to fishing. Sometimes, he can only focus on one thing at a time. It’s difficult at best to get him interested in other things when that happens.

We went by Grandma Saunders and Esther’s graves. It was not an easy stop for me. I had seen Esther two years ago in July when we were in Maine last. She seemed to be doing well and was full of life and laughter. Then, when we got home, we heard she was back in the hospital. She was one of the first of Steve’s cousins that I met. She came to our wedding when Erin was just a baby. Steve drove up to Maine to see Esther when she was in the hospice just days before she died. He had a wonderful visit with her; one he will cherish for his lifetime. It just doesn’t seem fair that someone so young and full of life should be taken away from her husband and children. One day, we can ask the Lord why. For now, we will continue living and keep her memory alive.

Today we headed to the White Mountains. We started out on Wild Cat Mountain riding the gondola up to the top of the mountain. And, it was dog friendly! At first, Kasey was not getting in the gondola! Once he did, he settled down. Sam had a hard time with the height, but, once we got to the top…wow! The views were truly spectacular. We saw Mt. Washington across the way and decided to go ahead and drive up it again this year. This time, the fog didn’t start until we hit the top. But, believe me, it was cold! On the base of the mountain we had nice 70 degree weather and at the top it was windy and 40 degrees!

It was fun spending the day in New Hampshire. It was fun exploring the little towns along the way to and back. We stopped in Naples, Maine and did a little gift shopping. We made it home and are now enjoying another fire prepared by Sam and Steve.

One thing I realized today is that time almost stood still when we arrived. It takes a completely different feel here. There is nothing that has to be done and there is no where you have to be. Your time is what you make of it. There is no TV and, no radio. Sure, there are many things that could be added or fixed here at camp, but, if there were changes made or additions done, the feeling would be gone.

Though I will welcome the ride home, I will be sad to leave. This is one of the only places that I can honestly say I have allowed the stress of life to roll off of my shoulders and I have relaxed. Sure, there are still Sam moments and other everyday life stressors, but, for the most part, this is the place that life let’s go of you and you start to live. You take the time to look around you and see the beauty of the world. As I write this, I am sitting at the dining room table, looking out through the trees onto the lake. What a beautiful, peaceful picture. Now, when the Loons start their calling, it will be complete, the picture forever etched in my heart and mind.

Maine Trip 2

2009-07-19T08:31:00.002-04:00

Wow, what a fun first day we had in Maine! What didn’t we do…well; the raft is out, but not in position. The Lake is so high that Steve couldn’t dive down and attach it to the cinder block, so, he says there is another block in the white cottage… perhaps you didn’t need know all that…

After the boys got the raft out, I made it down to the dock, or pier as Sam likes to call it, in time to watch Kasey jump onto the raft and ride it with them. Kasey is always the first one in the water and the first one to the front door of the cottage when we arrive home from being out! His two favorite things: water and cottage! I actually made it in the water yesterday and Sam was quite pleased. He told me it was nice to see me in the water, it made him happy. Sam had a hard time when we told him we weren’t going to do everything on his list in one day! The boy is definitely in to instant gratification!

We ran into town and had lunch at what used to be called Mangino’s, but, is now called The Grotto. It has the same delicious Syrian wraps (or roll ups as they call them). Then, we headed for the grocery store for some lunch and dinner items. Funny, I don’t mind cooking here nearly as much as I do at home at the end of my day…suspicious! When we got back to the cottage Sam and Steve went fishing while I took a little nap with Kasey. Yes, I napped, Kasey wondered, wondering where oh where his boys were!! When he did finally settle down, on Steve’s pillow, we had a nice nap. Steve came up and Sam spent almost the whole afternoon, on the dock (um, pier), fishing. Then, after our nap, we took the canoe down to the water and Steve and Sam headed out to find some place “quiet” to fish. He is determined to catch a fish…and, eat it!

Again, Kasey and I had the run of the cottage. I started preparing dinner and Kasey lay next to me on the floor, drying out from having jumped in the lake before the boys took off in the canoe. We were having spaghetti and I had forgotten to get bread, so, Kasey and I ran to The Good Life Market to get some bread. That has become my new favorite store here in Maine. It has a wide variety of offerings from books to wine to pies to canned pickles! I did get some delicious garlic bread and an apple pie (it was calling my name). After the boys came in and washed up, we had dinner out on the front porch, it was a beautiful night. Sorry to report, Sam has yet to catch a fish…he was back at it this morning, before even having his breakfast!

The boys wanted ice cream after supper, so, we headed to the Dug Out. They got their cones and I got some vanilla ice cream to go on my apple pie! When we got home, the chill in the air made Sam want another fire! So, he and Steve diligently worked to get a good fire going and we sat around it, reading and eating apple pie. Steve and Sam enjoyed reading the comics together while I am reading The Winter Rose by Jennifer Donnelly.
I read her book The Tea Rose and loved it. This book will be the same, I can already tell.

Sam decided, at 9 p.m. it was time to go to bed. Yeah, he’s not like that at home when it’s time to go to bed! So we all headed up and got ready for bed. For some reason, it was a restless night for me. I could not sleep. I don’t know what it was. Perhaps a combination of my nap earlier in the day and the fact that Kasey had to be with us, making it rather uncomfortable in the double bed! I actually ended up sleeping with Sam. His room was very warm (its right over the fire place) and cozy. Kasey decided to follow me in there, but, laid on the twin bed next to us. So, Steve was the lucky duck and got to have the bed all to himself.

Today we are going to rent a boat from the campground and go “exploring”. Sam is quite excited about that. He wants me to pack a picnic lunch, so, I’d best get going. We are off for another day filled with God’s splendor and Huck Finn adventure!

Maine Trip 1

2009-07-19T08:28:00.001-04:00

We arrived in Maine yesterday around 3 p.m. We made good time! The ride here was filled with many states and conversations. We drove through: MD, PA, NY, CT, MA, NH and finally Maine! I think the most fun on the ride here was Sam and Steve. Oh, Kasey was his adorable self, trying to sit in the front on my lap…but, the real fun began when Sam got to sit up front with Steve.

Sam kept the conversation going, not stopping once! He would ask Steve questions about his childhood memories, time spent in Maine with his grandparents and other family. At one point, Steve told Sam he liked having him in the front with him, because he was like an “actual person.” To which Sam replied, “I am, now tell me about…” He didn’t miss a beat!

When we arrived at camp, we found it locked! We are actually the first campers this year. Quite a privilege I do say! We get to put the raft in the lake and bring the canoe down. We also will be the start of the pine cone pick-up brigade! To which we actually started last night. Sam had to have a fire…it was the perfect night for one. So, we gathered pine cones and kindling. First, however, upon our arrival, after walking through camp we made it down to the water front and guess who jumped in the water…yep, Kasey! No hesitation! I do believe he loves this place as much as we do.

This morning Kasey and I got up and did a little exploring while the boys slept. We found the place I am going to dub “boat graveyard”. We saw abandoned sail boats and canoes; we even found an old, abandoned mini-van! Unfortunately, we also found lots of mosquito’s…I felt like I was in a “Twilight” movie, without the luck of having Robert Pattison sucking my blood!

There is so much we get to do that normally is done by the time we arrive. I would like to go and get some flowers to plant in Esther’s garden. We have some sweeping and cleaning to take care of. We can’t wait to see the family. We have so much planned for our week here. We plan on eating at our favorite places: Cole Farm, Chutes, The Mosquito (best ice cream ever), we are planning on going to the Yarmouth Clam Festival (don’t have to eat ‘em to go!) and, do a little shopping at LL Bean in Freeport. Plus, in addition, a find I happened upon reading the newspaper one of my favorite author’s, Anita Shreve, is going to be in Saco talking about her newest book! I am so excited at the chance to see one of my favorite author’s live and in person!! For those of you that don’t know her, she wrote “The Pilot’s Wife” and many other wonderful books!

Well, the boys are finally up and we need to get our day started. I promise to write more throughout the week. You can’t help but fall in love with Maine. You can see the Creator’s hand at work. The peacefulness and beauty of the surroundings can convince even the staunchest believer of Darwin that there is a God! Okay, that’s just my opinion… We are off to put the raft in the lake…yes; I think it’s a good picture taking opportunity too!

Family

2009-07-05T17:34:00.014-04:00

Can favoritism in a family ever be justified? Is it truly what is being done or is it imagined? It's hard to tell, sometimes. Other times it is made blatantly obvious.

When you tell one son he doesn't "discipline" his child, hence, that is the reason you child has such "bad behavior", does that mean the other son is the favorite? When things like that are said, one needs to stop and think of the consequences. Perhaps it was just said for shock factor. They couldn't possibly know what the parents are going through, at this very moment, with their child. They see him as a bad child, one that can be the brunt of their jokes and easily discounted. From the moment he was born it began, he would never be their "favorite", he was, after all, a boy.

He seems to have it all, he's an only child, with two parents that love and adore him. What more could he possibly want? But, they don't realize, there is something missing. He is an angry and hurt little boy. His mind and emotions are a tangled web. He can never be the "perfect" child they expect him to be. He is not wired that way. Yet, they've never really had the time nor the patience to get to know him.

He's been asked to accompany his aunt, uncle and cousins on a trip, without his parents (for two weeks). His uncle talked to him yesterday and today, he told his mom "they really want me to go with them." So, for now, he is going. To hear him say that, meant the world to his mother. She could tell, by the way he said it, he felt wanted. A feeling he does not often have being the only grandson in a bevy of granddaughters. He's not often been asked to go on trips or spend weekends at his grandparents. So, this trip for him is a big deal, and, for his parents.

For his mom, she is worried. What happens if he has one of his melt downs? Will they know to let him scream and get it out of his system? To not stand two inches from his face and yell back at him? To wait until he calms himself down to talk things through with him? To allow his little boy voice to be heard? Do they understand the importance of giving him his medicine every day? Will they know sometimes, when he does things, he truly has no control? But, mostly, will they be fair with him? Will they keep in mind, he is not always the trouble maker he is made out to be? Sometimes, it is the other person's fault? Do they know how afraid he really is of bees and bugs? Yes, he is a boy but, that doesn't mean he has to like them! Will they be kind if he doesn't want to try new foods or new things? Will they realize how important it is for him to know what's going on with the schedule for the day? If not, he will keep asking them, over and over again. Will they let him sleep with a light on? That he is afraid of the dark, still? When he gets hurt, will they hug and kiss him and tell him everything is okay? Or, will the make fun of him and call him "wendy the whiner?"

Should the parents talk things over with the aunt and uncle? Tell them about the fact that he could be bipolar? They don't want him labeled and yet, his position in the family seems to be a label of "bad behavior". The mom is both grateful and afraid for him. Grateful that they really do seem to want him to go with them. This is a wonderful opportunity for him to spend time away from his parents and time with his cousins. A time of independence. And yet, she is afraid for him that he will not feel loved or wanted if he does something wrong. Right now, the dilemma is her own.

He is going, they "really want me to go." He is happy and excited at the possibilities. Perhaps his mother's worries are for naught. Perhaps, just this once, he will be treated fairly and be an equal part of the family. Perhaps, this is the moment he has been waiting for...

Life Altering Decisions

2009-07-01T20:52:00.006-04:00

What do you do when you don't know what to do? I know, it sounds like a trick question...harder still, what do you do when you, as a parent, are faced with a decision that could alter your child's life, forever? Harder still as the child's parents, you have differing views and opinions on what should be done.

To medicate or not to medicate, that, is the question. Even though the child is already on medication for ADHD, the doctor would like to put him on anti-depressants. Her reasons are two-fold. That if it is clearly depression he is suffering from, it will help stabilize him for his start of middle school and his future as an adult. Could it be a life long medication, she could not say. She would like to think of it as temporary. Her other reason, and, most heart wrenching (at least for his mother) is that when someone is put on anti-depressants it can also bring out a manic episode, meaning, the child could be bi-polar. She has never come out and said it, but, she feels he could be bi-polar. It's hard to diagnose at his age. Since the child is not "cooperating" in the therapy sessions, and based on the information she has collected from his parents, teachers, etc., and, what she has seen of him in the sessions, she feels this is the way to go. The way to find out for sure, what we are dealing with...depression vs. bi-polar.

Mom knew the moment the session started tonight where the doctor was going. When she brought up the familial history, the fact the the mom is on an anti-depressant, etc. The mom has never wanted to make excuses for her son. In her heart, however, she has always known he wasn't like the other children. He isn't just attention seeking or a spoiled only child as some people may think. It goes deeper, much deeper than that. His father doesn't understand things having to do with "mental illness". Perhaps he is worried the child will be labeled. But, isn't he already? "Trouble maker", "bully", etc. Those are labels too. The father believes we don't need to put him on medication. That we can do things differently at home to build the child's self-esteem. But, the mom says, "what if that's not what's wrong?"

If they decide against the medication, the therapy sessions will be for naught. So, the sessions would end--before really knowing what is happening inside the child. What happens then in middle school if his grades start falling, he starts losing or gaining weight, he is angrier, moodier? Are they postponing the inevitable? So do they make the life altering decision now, or later? Is there a right or wrong answer?

All the mom really wants is that her child have a healthy, happy life. To be able to feel and give love. To be able to share his feelings and know they are not wrong, whatever they are, they are his feelings and they are real...something the mother told the father after he asked her what she felt about the situation. She said she "feels responsible because it runs in her family and that she did this to him." To which her husband said, "that's silly, you can't help your family genes." No, it wasn't silly, those are her feelings and they are real.

The mother is conflicted. She wants what is best for her child, she just doesn't know how to get it for him. She is not opposed to medication, but, she is afraid of the outcome. So, the question remains, do they postpone the inevitable, or make the life altering decision now...

Working (Again) Girl

2009-06-27T08:02:00.003-04:00

It's a quiet morning here in Maryland, the boys are still sleeping and I am sitting in front of the computer with my first cup of coffee. First, I read my e-mail, needed to find out what time I am to be at Church tomorrow to help in the nursery and then, went to my google account to see if I had any Cookie Lee news I had to read. Lastly, I went to Facebook to see every one's posts that I have been missing.

The e-mail from one particular friend touched my heart. We have become quite close, not just in business but, personally as well. She has made the tough decision to go back to work and she starts on Monday. Now, it says it is a part time job, but, it's 9-5, 40 hours a week...how can that be part time?? Well, it is a government job! In the e-mail she told me she wants to spend as much time with her children as possible this weekend. She has been a stay at home mom for some time and has three very beautiful children. Therein lies her struggle. Her children range in age from 6 years old to almost 8 months old. With the little spit fire 2 year old in between!

Her reason for going back to work is, as many Americans right now, a financial need. I want her to remember it is an answer to prayer, one she prayed a while ago. She wants to see her Mother and friends back home. Perhaps this is now the way she will be able to not only pay off some debts, but, also get back home. Or, better yet, be able to send money home to bring her Mom here! Also, for some reason, God has another plan in store for her right now. He wants her to stay here (as do I, but, my reasons are purely selfish), her "work" here is not done.

She has found herself in the midst of many changes, professionally and personally. She has grown so much, in just the almost year we have known each other. I admire the way she takes things on, but, mostly, the way she takes it to the Lord first. She is worried how this new job will take away from her children. I hope she realizes that the time she has had with them at home will never be taken away. Her influence on them cannot be measured. They are the best behaved children. They know to say please and thank you with out being told (I still have to nudge Sam to say those things), they are independent thinkers, kind and gentle. This all due, to her time with them. For the littlest one, I have a feeling her brother and sister will pick up the "torch" and teach her the way she taught them. I already see some of that.

So, as she starts this new chapter in her life, I pray for her, that she will find peace in her heart and know that this is a path God has chosen for her. In time, His time, it will be known why. To know that God has wrapped His loving arms around her little family and, especially her children. The pieces of the puzzle are falling together, one by one. I admire her courage to put herself back out there. She has so much to offer, not just her children, but, to the world as well!

Lastly, we had a fun evening Thursday, going out shopping to find some "work" clothes for her. It was she and I and the little 2 year old spit fire. She told me in the e-mail that it reminded her of when her Mom and she would go shopping at home. That when she would see something too expensive, her Mom would remember it and make it for her...I just need her to know, I won't be doing that...I don't sew!!! :o) Another thing she said what that her children see us as family and, that her son was already planning Christmas with us...this is just a testament to the fact of what a great job she has done and will continue to do, as a Mom.

For all of us working Mom's, we can feel what she is going through and we can take off our collective hats to her and pray for that peace we all needed when we headed back to work as well. I cannot wait for the day the Lord will say to each of us "Well done my child, well done!"

Check...life light...

2009-06-16T21:44:00.002-04:00

A few weekends ago, my car started acting up (yes, cars do that). I looked down, and, much to my horror, found the check engine light glaring at me. That has never happened to my VUE before. It's been a wonderful car for five years now. I am one of the few saddened by the thought of having no more Saturn's in the world! Call me sentimental...I digress.

It has me thinking, the check engine light that is, about how many other things in life need one--a "check" light. Perhaps a "check your diet" light when you over eat or a "check your garden" light when you need to water. I think a "check your marriage" light would be good too. What happens though, when only one of you seems to take notice that the "check marriage" light is on?

There is not a marriage shop that you can go to to have a marriage mechanic fix it for a few thousand dollars. You cannot attach the marriage to a computer to diagnose exactly where the issues are or, the exact part that is broken.

What does it mean when there is no intimacy in the marriage relationship and has not been for quite some time? When the marriage feels more like a convenient living arrangement than, well, a marriage? When work and Church activities take the place of togetherness. When you don't mind working late or going back into work to get away from the other person? Or, it just appears that way to the other person... When one person says "I love you" before hanging up, but, the other does not feel it--love that is. Are words supposed to speak louder than actions? Perhaps the "check marriage" light would let you know the intimacy is gone and the trust is not far behind.

Again, what is the one that notices the "check marriage" light on to do? There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to sit down and have a conversation, one that will be taken seriously. Perhaps, if there was a marriage shop, and the marriage could be hooked up to a computer, perhaps a list could be printed out of exactly where the problem areas are, or where the marriage is heading towards trouble. Perhaps, then, the conversation would be taken seriously. It's hard when the other's attitude has always been "it will work out." A noble way of thinking, just not always accurate.

What if the other person who does not see the "check marriage" light actually sees it, and because of past failures, does not want to admit it? Perhaps they do not feel the way they did when the marriage first begun, but, is afraid to fail, again. Wouldn't it be more painful to let the "check marriage" light linger than to do something to fix it? What are they afraid of exactly?

Perhaps while the "check marriage" light is still on, there is hope...what happens when the light starts to fade, that, is the question...

When to blog and when not to blog...that is the question

2009-06-11T21:48:00.003-04:00

I haven't written too much lately, well, that is not true. I have written two blogs, which dealt with very personal issues. I am torn whether or not to share them. The ramifications of who might read them is the issue at hand. There are too many "what ifs" involved.

How personal should one get in a blog? I know most of the people who read it, but, there may be some I do not or, I do not know well. Their view of me or my "issues" may be skewered. Yes, I've wanted to use that word in a sentence all day! Or, the issues at hand may be unknown to those who are involved and if figured out, feelings may be hurt. Which is never my intent. I write my blog to work through what is on my mind. In a way, it's my therapy...sure beats $200/hour! But then, what does it matter what people may think of me? Yeah...I've got issues!!

As I type, Sam is in hysterics. Kasey bit him... well, in Kasey's defense, Sam was acting crazy with him and giving him treats. Poor dog, doesn't even know what he's done. We are waiting for Steve's cousin,Rick to arrive. Rick's Dad, Uncle Dick, is getting married in D.C. this weekend. It will be quite the event for the Saunders' family. Another big event is tomorrow...Sam's promotion ceremony. Hard to believe he will be going into middle school already.

He has had a rough year. He did, however, have a wonderful teacher who I believe cared enough to help him succeed. You don't often find that in the public school system. He is looking forward to sixth grade...he has already started working on his reading and math packets for next year.

Well, I guess I didn't really have a point for this blog...other than when to blog and when not to. What is okay to share and what is not? I'll be anxious to hear any one's thoughts on the matter! Have a wonderful weekend!

Weekend

2009-05-31T20:22:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to share the good weekend that Sam and I had. Just so you know he truly is a wonderful little boy. He has his moments, but, don't we all??

Saturday morning I got him up and out of bed around 10 a.m. Oh, don't we long for those days?? Isn't it funny how when you are young you can sleep till all hours and stay up till all hours? Then, you get to a certain age, and, you can't do either!! I started our errands off by giving him is allowance. He was pretty excited about that. I had decided, due to the late hour of the morning, not to give him his adderall. I knew it was risky, it's really hard for him to focus without it, but, I figured I was up for the challenge!

We started out at my bank, which is now just down the street from our house. His observations always amaze me. He seems to notice things others don't, or, at least, I don't! We parked beside a beautiful old Jaguar--he asked, is that from the 1800's...okay, he was joking. He noticed how busy the bank seemed to be now that it was "our" bank. He decided at that moment that "we" bank at the right bank!

Next on our agenda was Starbucks...the best way to start a day of errand running! He got a coffee cake, only after getting reassurance from me and the barista that there was indeed no coffee in the coffee cake. And, his usual strawberry and cream frap. I opted for tea with lemonade. When he had finished his coffee cake and again talked about how funny it was that coffee cake had no coffee and asked how one makes it and I said, I could find out. He seemed happy about that. As we were pulling out of our parking spot, he said "Mom, thanks for breakfast." That, for me, was a moment of pure joy. I replied and meant it, that he was very welcome.

Then, we went to get him dress shoes to wear with his new suit that he is going to wear in a couple of weeks to a wedding party. We ran into someone we knew from our Church and talked for a bit, then, we headed to the men's shoe section and we found the right size and style. He seems to be finding out what he likes and doesn't like where fashion is concerned. Finding dress shoes went so much easier than I had hoped.

Next on our list was the Hallmark store. We got right to work on the list we had made of cards needed. He stopped me to inform me that the lady from Church was in the Hallmark store too and that we really should go over and say hello and good bye again. She was checking out and I didn't want to distrub her, so, I said, no, let's just go about the task at hand. I was amazed that he had thought it important to say something to her again. He's always been one to shy away from such things.

We needed to take his new suit pants in to get them hemmed and taken in. Someone had switched the size 16 regulars with a husky. Anyway, he's never had anything taken in or hemmed, so, this was a fun new experience for him. We went into the little changing room and I helped him put his new pants on and new shoes. He stood there and did as directed by the tailor. She took the pins out and said she didn't want him getting hurt when he took them off (no worries she had alread marked them). He was quite impressed with the whole process. One thing he finally comprehended was that we had to leave his pants there, it wasn't something that could be done instantaneously.

It was right around lunch time, so, we headed to the post office and then Baja Fresh for lunch. We ordered and, when our order was called, only Sam's food was there. So, I went up and asked about mine and the girl apologized profusely saying it was her fault, she had forgotten to add it. She did it for me and my order came quickly after that. Sam asked me if I was mad and I said no, everyone makes mistakes now and again, it was no reason to get mad or angry over it.

After lunch, we headed to the Rio, his favorite spot because Barnes & Noble is there. He found two books to purchase with his allowance. Though he was in a hurry to get home, he did let me peruse a few of the other shops. While I was searching the racks at Kohl's, he walked over with a hat on. My heart stopped. He looked so grown up, perhaps a glimpse of what he'll be like as a teenager. He asked if he could get the hat and, since I loved it on him, I said yes! He was such a joy to be with. He even took my hand while we walked and, yes, I still had to repeat things to him a couple of times, but, for the most part he listened and followed my direction well. These are the days to savor and remember.

Even today, he surprised me. When we arrived home from dinner, he and I headed to the mail box to pick up Saturday's mail. He didn't seem content just to walk beside me. He took my hand and held it. When I would let go, he would take it right back. Believe me, this moment is in the freeze frame of my mind!

Friends

2009-05-29T18:18:00.005-04:00

What would the world be like if we didn't have friends? Truly, can you imagine it? I certainly can't! And, isn't it true how that saying goes...some are in your life for a reason or season...or something like that!

Think about elementary school and high school (okay, I didn't go to a middle school, so bear with me). There are people who have been in my life since kindergarten! There are those that went through the toughest part of my life with me that hold a very special place in my heart. Without my friends, I don't think I would have survived. My friends in high school (that I'd known since kindergarten) became my "family". Though some of them I do not talk to or see often enough, we stay in touch via Facebook or e-mail. It's nice to know they are still with me.

College is always different. Some people are there for one purpose, to find a spouse. What did you think I was going to say, get a degree?? Please! Let's be honest now. So friendships that are formed may be purely out of convenience or need. However, there are friendships made in college that offer a special bond. That is the time you become your own person and, if they accept you for who you are, you've got it made! I have several friends from college that I still see and keep in touch with. Some live so far away, it hurts! The challenge remains to keep in touch, but, in today's world with FB and all the electronic gadgets, there is really no excuse; however, life is an excuse in itself...

Then, you graduate from college with (or without) that spouse and/or degree. You start working in the "real world" and make acquaintances and friends at your new job (or jobs). I have one friend that I have known since we worked together at Dillard's. I've lost count on how many years that has been, but, we still keep in touch. We see each other when we can; she comes out here or when we come home to Nebraska. She is a keeper! No matter how long it's been since we last talked, when we finally do, it's like we pick up right where we left off! There are also the friends I met while I worked at Union College in the Nursing Department. I adore each of the professors I worked for. Each I consider a friend. Many of the students and I are still in contact with each other. I know they are the most wonderful of friends. Perhaps some though, were my friends for a season.

When your life starts to change, whether it is by choice or circumstances, you seem to depend more and more on your friends. After my divorce and my decision to move to Maryland, my friendship with one of my nursing student friends blossomed. She took me in and let me live with her and her husband. Never asking for much in return. She became more than a friend for a reason or a season, she, I consider, a sister more than a friend. We see each other when we can, but, miles and obligations keep us apart more often than not. We e-mail and instant message each other. Nothing can take the place of spending time with your lifetime friends.

Then, once I settled and got a job, I met my future husband. Yes, I consider him a friend too, hopefully, a lifetime one! I met several people at JCPenny that I absolutely love and adore and hold the fondest of memories. There are still a few that I keep in contact with via e-mail. I long for the day we can see each other and reconnect. Until such time, I will be happy with the e-mail updates!

We moved from Bel Air, Maryland to Gaithersburg, Maryland and I found my current job. I have been at this job going on twelve years! Oh, and the friendships I have made! Going to work is never a chore for me. I absolutely love each person I work with...okay, yeah, sure we can get on each other's nerves, BUT, there is a camaraderie that cannot be measured! Another one of very best friends worked there and then moved on to better things. We see each other often and "talk" almost every day via instant messenger! We can tell instantly by what is said by the greeting, what each other's mood is! She is definitely a friend for a lifetime.

Sometimes, you find out a friend is sick. You go through denial, "no, not her." "It's not fair, she is a good person, who loves the Lord with all her heart." It hurts especially when that friend is so far away. What can you do for her? Whatever you do, may not be enough. So, you go along with her, whether by phone, e-mail or instant message. You want her to know that no matter what, her friendship, no SHE is important to you and, always will be. Then, she is making plans to come visit you can hug her and tell her how you admire her courage in the face of death. She is an inspiration, a hero. Not to mention, cancer free...

So, you are all settled and life is going on a steady path, you think, I have everything I could possibly want, so many friends... Then, you find a Church that you can call home. There are some people that are so inviting and friendly, you can't help but feel inspired by them and want to get to know them better. So now, I have my friends from Church. One is a quiet lady on the outside, but let her call out bingo numbers, she turns into a whole different person! I adore her spirit and her faithfulness in God. Of course, you join a care group and there are men and women that you fall in love with, a love only the Lord can offer. I consider each one of them a dear friend. Then, there is an unexpected blessing of another friend. We talk to each other almost every day, whether by phone or by instant message. I think the Lord truly brought us together. To grow as mothers and wives. To learn and lean on each other. She is truly a lifetime friend...

Truly, I cannot imagine going through my life without all those I call "friend." Each one of my friends has played an intricate part in my life--whatever stage they joined in! Some, still do. Some have no idea the blessings I still reap from having had them as a friend. Yes, there are some friendships that have been lost; some, perhaps, for the best. Friends are such a wonderful gift from God and I thank Him every day for each one of mine.

Siblings

2009-05-28T17:21:00.001-04:00

I am beginning to wonder if we have done a disservice to our son by not giving him a brother or a sister. My husband had the fortune of a younger and, an older brother, I had the privilege of four sisters and four brothers (not all at the same time, mind you).

Without the benefit of a sibling, who does an only child turn to when he has problems he doesn’t want to talk about with his parents. Worse yet, who does he talk to when the parents are the problem?! My childhood is a blur; I tend to have forgotten a lot of it. But, bits and pieces do come through at times. I remember hiding in a closet with my older sister once, talking about our parents and the things that were going on. I also remember teaming up with her against our younger sister. Why? Just because that’s what older siblings do, I suspect.

When you are an only child, do you choose your best friend as your confidant? What if you only have one “best” friend? And, that relationship, at times, has been uncertain? How do you learn to trust your feelings with other people? He had more than one good friend, until this year. One of his friends decided he was not a friend after all. I have yet to get out of our son what happened or how the friendship ended. He seems unable to share his feelings—good, or bad.

So, when he is angry at us for this or that, when he lashes out at us, it actually makes sense. He doesn’t have a sibling to confide in and say “I really hate our parents…this is what they have done now.” He has no one to talk his anger through with. We are his parents, siblings, etc., etc. Though, we have tried not to become his “friend”, we are, after all parents. We are all he has. He does not have a close relationship with his grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins. Some of this is due to distance and some of it is due to other reasons I only speculate about.

We met with his therapist before his session last night. She is concerned that he is depressed and just does not know how to express it. And, the way it comes out right now, is what’s causing his behavioral issues. He appears to be this self-confident, arrogant, know-it-all person, but, down deep, he is a hurt and scared child. He has never been one to talk about “things.” He doesn’t like to talk about his school day it’s like pulling teeth to get him to share what he did. Sometimes, he doesn’t even allow us to see or help him with his homework. He is this way at school as well. He would rather not be put in a group, but, do things by himself. It’s almost like he doesn’t need anyone…

Poor boy is a lot like me. I have never been a good one to “talk” about my feelings. I had an ulcer at the age of 12. I am not one that likes confrontation or would ever “rock the boat.” My opinions are better left to myself. I am getting better. I now am able to write about what I am feeling. My husband is the type of person that would rather gloss over the issues, his attitude is “things will work out” or “it’s just a phase.” We have never fought. We may get frustrated with each other, but, we never fight. But, then, do we every really talk. Sadly, no.

So, perhaps that is why our son is going through all this. Because, try as we might, we did not teach him how to express his feelings because we can’t seem to. He didn’t have the opportunity of a sibling to talk things through with but, we did have siblings... Sadly, he is just following in his parents footsteps. A sibling may not have changed things for him after all. Yes, the family dynamics would have changed, but, as far as who we are, as individuals and who he is becoming, that remains the same… with or without the benefit of a sibling.

Instead of quickly getting upset with him for this or that, I have decided to really listen. To hear what the real issue is. Perhaps someone at school told him he was a nerd because he was good at math. Or, someone was bragging about having a cell phone and he doesn’t. I am certain kids are cruel. I remember a classmate of mine from elementary school, actually apologizing to me in college for how he treated me in elementary school! Lucky for him, I’ve put those days behind me. But, they did hurt and, down deep, still may. So, something has happened to our son at school, which he just can’t share, at least not right now and, not with us.

So, I will wait, wait for the day when he comes home from school and say’s “Mom, I need to talk…”

Falling...

2009-05-21T19:59:00.004-04:00

Given my family history, it's not surprising that every once in a while, I feel depressed. Have they determined depression is hereditary? It's also not surprising, that Sam may have the same tendency. But, this time, it's not about Sam, it's about me. For those of you who are used to me being smiley and happy all the time, you may want to stop reading here. You are about to meet the "woe is me" Monique...

I am feeling very blue at the moment. Went shopping, had a wonderful time with Joy who met me for dinner and a little shopping. I am looking for something to wear to an upcoming wedding event. The party Friday night requires a cocktail dress. Nope, don't own one, never have, and, by the looks of things tonight, will never own one. What I decided was to find a top to go with a pair of black, palazzo-like pants I already have and be done with it. Well if the shirts weren't too big or too small, they were too expensive. There was quite a beautiful one, however, I did not feel the need to purchase it for $75.00. A blouse. $75.00. No wonder we are in a recession...ha. The wedding ceremony itself is on a boat, so, a "sundress" is the suggested attire. Okay, nope, don't have one of those either. I don't do sundresses---I don't ever wear sleeveless either. Which, most of the dresses were tonight. One was quite pretty, could wear a black sweater or bolero thing with it, but, I just wasn't ready to spend $119.00 for it. Part of my blue mood is that I cannot seem to lose weight lately. I am trying.

Okay, perhaps, not as hard as I should be. I am tempted very easily. I try to be good, but, when Steve says, what do you want for dinner, I am going to get such and such do you want something...I cave. Not that it's anything terribly bad. I mean, a sandwich from Subway isn't bad. Baked chips aren't bad....why am I having such a hard time with this? Tonight, I was good, I had a salad with fat free dressing on it. I drink anywhere from 8 to 10 cups of water a day. I am frustrated and I feel quite ugly.

There are many reasons I am blue...clothes, or lack thereof; diet; Sam; and, well, other things...have you ever felt like you just exist? That people talk over, around and even under you? That you are taken for granted by the person you love the most? That the things you want or dream of just don't matter? I know, it's a fine line. I feel like I am on a cliff, teetering. Like a volcano, rumbling and getting ready to spew. It's what might come out that I am afraid of...

I think, perhaps, that is part of the reason I am not sticking to my diet. Food has always been my comfort. It is always there for me. It doesn't talk back, it doesn't hurt my feelings (well, may be after eating a whole box of donuts) and, it does not judge me. I do not feel balanced. Perhaps I just need to take up yoga...kidding.

No worries, I don't stay like this for long. The pity party only lasts a short while. I have more than most, and, I am grateful. The Lord has blessed us with a wonderful home and jobs. Plus, my co-workers can't stand it when I am this way. I think they forget I exist for the time being, then, when I am done with my blue mood, they come back around. It's almost like I am not allowed to be this way. I am the happy, perky one. Which, I rather do like. I'd rather keep a smile on my face then not at all. Happy is so much easier than blue...although, blue is a pretty color...once in a while...right?

I'm scared...

2009-05-17T20:40:00.004-04:00

Of what you may ask? Well, it would be of whom, or is it who. Anyway, it was another rough evening with Sam. Could be categorized as a "knock down, drag out", but, there was no knocking or dragging involved. There was, much to my dismay, a slap across the face. He pushed one too many buttons. He was being disrespectful and telling me to shut up and calling me dufus (sp) and then had the nerve to ask, what I was going to do about it. Yeah, that's when I slapped his face. I had shock factor on my side for, well, a moment...

I am a little afraid of what it's going to be like when he is actually a teenager and, towers over me then asks me what I am going to do about it. First, part of the problem was he had no meds yesterday or today. He becomes such a different person without them. Like there is a blurred line between right and wrong. But, his meds are for his ADHD, should they matter for this? I see the control they give him. Not just for concentration but, for thought processes as well. He's mouthy, just not as on his medicine. Perhaps because he can control himself better. It's just he gets this attitude that he can do no wrong and that everyone, including me, is stupid. He actually told me, he did not feel, for staying outside, without permission, and not coming in when I called him, that he should be punished for it. Like he was doing nothing wrong by defying me. He just kept telling me to shut up.

I am emotionally drained. He has no idea the hurt that he causes. Well, let's put it this way, and, I know this is going to sound awful coming from his Mother, but, I think he wants to hurt me. I can't explain it. He gets that defiant look in his eye and just says whatever he wants. If we had another child would it have made a difference? I don't know.

What started this you ask, well, last night he was being disrespectful, so, I took away his electronics for week. So, tonight I told him he was going to take Kasey out and then come back in and clean his side of the basement. He just looked at me and said "No." And, kept saying no. Was that too much to ask? I think not. Needless to say, his Play Station, Wii, PSP and DSI have all been taken away and put away. Not sure for how long. Not to mention no playing outside with his friends. Yeah, he thinks we don't give him want he wants or asks for...I am seriously considering selling all of the above. He proceeded to tell me he never gets what he asks for, that his friends have better things...that was about the time I started tuning him out. I had had enough. Put a fork in me, I was done!

It's quiet now. He was sent to bed early (7:30 p.m.). Steve is at work, Kasey is loving life on the couch and I am tip tapping on the computer. Trying to figure out where I went wrong. And, what I can do to prepare myself for the challenges ahead. I worry for him. He needs to learn life lessons. That, is why I am scared, not just for myself, but, for him. He is going to to mouth off to somebody that is not going to take it, and, he will get hurt. I will just continue to pray, patience for me and humility for him. I am glad the Lord knows the plans He has for Sam. I would just like Him to show me a little sooner, than later...

Weekend

2009-05-03T17:11:00.011-04:00

Wow...what a weekend. To say that I am just a little sore, would be an understatement. Completely exhausted--mentally, emotionally and physically. So much so, I don't want to talk...to anyone. Steve has to work tonight, so, I can have my quiet moment without feeling to guilty. Sam? You ask about Sam? He is happily playing with his game system downstairs. I think he forgot I was even home! Kasey just looks at me, wanting me to take him out and I tell him, I have no energy to go outside. That is what Sam is for...right?

The AVON walk was amazing--it always is. I cannot pinpoint the exact reason it's amazing. There are so many. From the very start of the event, you are made to feel special. That you are truly making a difference. As you arrive the walkers are treated to breakfast, coffee and juice. You take your place in front of the stage and jumbo TV screen and, you wait. Walking alone, I stand alone. So, I like to watch the various walkers as they arrive, to see the teams. A favorite team name of mine has always been "Save Second Base". I was walking behind a group of women on Saturday and one of them asked...what does that mean? Her walker buddies laughed as one explained. They have music blaring on the speakers, inspiring songs like Vanessa Carlton's "I would walk a thousand miles just to see you again." Okay, so, that's not the actual name of the song...(don't forget I am tired). Then it begins, this year, they had some of the Washington Redskin cheer leaders help us stretch. Then, come the stories of why we are here--all of us, touched by breast cancer. Whether it's a mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin...or friend, we are all walking to honor those special people in our lives. Some are walking to find a cure so that their children will not have to think about it when they grow older. There were over 200 breast cancer surviors walking along side us. I know there were some walking currently going through treatment.

They open the route with much fanfare--from the Junior crew (ages 10-17) to the staff, they are there with noisemakers, cow bells, you name it, making noise and cheering us forward. Every mile you walk you are surrounded by the beauty of Washington, D.C. This year, the walk was beautiful. Along our route, there are the motorcycle bricade (for lack of a better word), that are out, every year to help us cross busy roads or just drive by and honk encouragement to us. I have seen most all of them each year I have walked, this being my sixth, or is it seventh walk. No matter, it is good to see familiar faces along the way, continuing to cheer us on. One motorcyclist was definitely in the spirit with his pink tutu...yes, I said tutu! Don't worry, he had shorts on under it. Between the motorcycle bricade and bicylclist they keep us safe on the route. You will see driving by and honking women in white vans, they are called the "sweep vans". They keep an eye out for anyone that may be hurt or needs to stop along the route. They will take you to safety. Again, this year, I saw familiar faces.

Every two to three miles there is what they call a rest stop or a quick stop where we can fill our water bottles with either water or gatorade, where we can go to the bathroom in the lovely Don John's they provide--they are always clean. I did not say they always smelled good... They provide us with snacks at the rest stops and, well, rest. They invite you to each stop with a "GOOOO Walkers!" "You walkers are amazing." "Come on in and get refreshed!" The crew is so amazingly happy!! Sometimes, their job seems more important than mine on the weekend. They have to cater to the walkers. To offer encouargement. To be positive. And, they do their job very well.

Also along the route, you will see familiar faces, and, t-shirts. Since I don't know his name, I simply call him "T-Shirt Man". Every so miles, if you are lucky to see him, he has a different t-shirt on, from a different college and/or state. The first one on Saturday, made me smile and gave me the energy I needed to reach the top of a hill--Nebraska. So, his wife, who was wearing an Oklahoma t-shirt (we will forgive her), graciously took my picture with him. Every year I have walked, he has been out there. Then, there is the "Cow Man." Every year, he wears a cow costume and when we walk by he tells us "He is Udderly proud of us!" Yeah, corny, but, it works. It is just the kind of encouragement you welcome when you feel like you cannot go any farther.

Then at various stops along the route, there are cheering stations. This is where family and friends can meet up with you to cheer you on. I will never know what it feels like to be a movie star, but, walking by those cheering, makes me feel on top of the world. There are men, with children cheering their wives on. Parents cheering their children on and work mates cheering their office mates on. This year, there was a troop of Girl Scouts, blowing bubbles at us or handing us candy. Their smiles and high fives gave me encouragement to go on. When you get to your lunch stop (for some reason way before lunch...) you are greeted by those positive crew members laughing and smiling with each sandwich they hand to you. Even today, in the pouring rain, they were positive.

When you've made the decision to stop at the half way mark on the first day, they have buses waiting to take you back to the Wellness Village. The buses are staffed by wonderful drivers and crew, making you feel like you just walked the 26 miles. Never are you made to feel like a failure or better or not better then the people still walking. When you arrive at the Wellness Village you are again greeted by a cheering section of crew and survivors and, even walkers that have already completed their day. I don't stay at the Wellness Village any more, once was enough for me! They do offer wonderful entertainment in the evening, hot showers and wonderful pup tents. Okay, I was being sarcastic when I said wonderful pup tents. I thought of the walkers that stayed last night, as it started raining early this morning. Been there, done that, love my own bed!

The next day, you get up and start all over again. And, the same people are helping the walkers get through the route. Even in the pouring rain, they were there, making my walk easier. Their smiles, words of encouragement or just someone driving by and honking makes a world of difference. You see "Cow Man" and "T-Shirt Man", today, I saw him wearing Virignia and his wife was wearing Maryland. They were still telling us how great we were doing and how good we looked, in the pouring rain.

I didn't make it this year to the closing ceremony. I was wet, tired and sore. Every year it is touching. To hear how much money we helped raise for the cause. To see the surivors walk in first. To all clasp hands together in solidarity. For me, it all begins when I send out my fundraising letters or e-mails. My heros are the family and friends that continue to support my cause. Whether it's monetary or even just a word of encouragement, that is what keeps me going. Everyone plays a part in my walk. S0, when I say I walk alone, I really don't. I take all of you with me. Thank you, for allowing me to walk for you. And, in closing, thank you to all those unnamed people I meet along the way. The one's who offer a complete stranger words of encouragement and cheers. It is a honor and privilage to walk for and with you. Thank you.

Urge to purge...

2009-04-25T20:15:00.011-04:00

You've heard the saying, "if you haven't worn it, used it...in at least a year, get rid of it!" Okay, for some that is a piece of cake, for me it is pure torture...perhaps like the whole burning down the house thing.

Lately, I feel as if the walls in our townhouse are closing in on me. We have a lot of "stuff." And, we have one little storage closet that is jammed packed. Believe me, you try to open it and you risk your safety! I have been feeling the need to purge some of the things in there to make room for our new things that need storing. I know, it doesn't make a lot of sense.

I do remember most of the boxes in there are Christmas decorations and, even some Halloween and Easter. However, I have never been the kind of Mom (you can pity Sam now) that decorates for all the seasons, every season. I enjoy decorating for Christmas. Now, I do have flags that fly on any said holiday, but, that is about it for my decorating spirit other than Christmas. There is also several bins full of Sam's clothes--baby to toddler; his Noah's Ark collection from his nursery, papers from grades K through 4 and, even some preschool art work to boot. Now that Rebecca has DJ, I have the urge to give her a lot of the toddler clothes for DJ. I know she would use them and appreciate them. What to keep and what to give away, that is the question.

Behind all those things are some more books, toys, etc. There are also some of my enamel ware collection that traveled from Nebraska to Maryland with me. I have a few of the items up on display in my kitchen, but, the rest are packed away. Since I have not had a place for them in over, oh, about 10 years, does it mean I have to give them away? My thought has always been, when we get a bigger house I will have the perfect spot for them...but, first, are we ever going to get one and, secondly, do we really need a bigger house?

One thing my Bible studies have shown me is that we really don't need a lot of "stuff". Our loads were meant to be light. Not necessarily easy, but, light. When we have a lot of "stuff" it encumbers our walk. If we have all our needs met by our own hands, then, how are we to rely upon God? He wants to be the fulfiller of our "stuff". The small treasures we receive, whether it's a call from an old friend, letter from your parents, e-mail from your sister...that is the "stuff" we should be holding on to, in our hearts. We just need to remember to ask God to help us "de-stuff" our lives. I think, He's been talking to me about just that. Perhaps, someone else can get some use out of those decorations that haven't been used in years or, the clothes that have been waiting for me to get back down to that size (admit it, we have all been there!!).

Perhaps, by letting go of all those things, the walls will begin to open and my heart will have more room for what the Lord asks of me. To come to Him for all my needs and, to believe He will provide. Urge to purge = letting go. I hear you Lord, thanks for not giving up on me!

My AVON Walk

2009-04-17T18:20:00.003-04:00

A little over eight years ago, my friend, Cara, died of breast cancer. Hearing of her death seized my heart and a little piece was broken off. Cara, was only 35, she was younger than me. I, not she, was to die first. I don’t want to tell you that we were bosom buddies forever. Our friendship spans years.

Cara’s sister, Dana and I have been in school together since kindergarten…I believe. So, I have known Dana longer (and, continue to enjoy her friendship today). Cara and I became close friends in academy, or, high school for you non-Seventh-day Adventists. There was Cara, Sonya and I. We could have been called (and, probably were…) the three stooges. Cara was long and lanky, and her wit…oh, that wit. She could make us laugh so hard, we’d fall off our chairs. Sometimes, she was so intense it was scary. She had a way of wearing her heart on her sleeve. You always knew where you stood with her. Unbeknownst to me, she was struggling, probably even then, with her sexuality.

Once I graduated from academy, Cara was left there for another year or two. We saw each other, at various places—church, etc. The three stooges had “broken up”, so to speak. We were all busy, leading the lives we thought we were supposed to. Then, came the news, Cara was gay. It was not a shock to me. And, it never mattered to me. I loved her. She was finally happy with who she was. One marriage and divorce later (me, not Cara), and my move to Maryland, finally we lost contact with each other. All the while knowing, the other was out there in this big world.

Cara battled breast cancer twice, wait, can someone ever really battle it twice? If it comes back, doesn’t it mean it never went away? Anyway, the first time I heard she was doing fine. She did the recommended medical course and was back to work, back to her life. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then, I heard she had fallen and broken some bones…having worked in the medical field for over ten years, I knew even then, something is not right. It was back. The cancer came back…or, had it ever left?

Around October 2001, I went home to Nebraska for a visit. I believe it was a reunion of some kind, initially that brought me back. I had made contact with Dana and asked about Cara. Dana invited me to come and visit Cara with her. How ecstatic I was. It had been years since I had gotten to see her, to be in the same room with her. Dana told me she was pretty exhausted and it may not be a long visit and, to be prepared. When I arrived at her home, there she was, tall, lanky and, beautiful. We talked, about what specifically, I honestly do not remember. Just being in her presence was all that mattered. And, that wit. She never lost it. She was the one in pain and still, was making me laugh. Making me comfortable with the situation, easing my trepidation. When I left, I did not know, it would be the last time I would see her. In just a few short months, she was gone. The cancer had won. It took my friend away, this time, forever.

I didn’t begin to participate in the breast cancer walks until a couple of years later. Honestly, I was unaware of such a thing. The first walk was the AVON 3-day. It was long, tiring and life changing. To this day, each time I walk, I carry a picture of Cara, with her obituary taped to the back of it. This is my way to honor and remember such a cherished friend. Except for the first AVON walk I did, I walk alone. I don’t have a team or a walking companion. Although, the walks have grown to over 3,000 participants, so, technically, I am never alone.

When I walk, I think about Cara and the struggles she must have gone through. The pain and the knowledge that she may not survive. She never lost her will to live, she fought the battle with courage, grace, and strength—I know, her family was a source of her strength, and, her partner as well. I think about them when I walk as well. Each year, I walk with an “honor roll”, names of people who are in the midst of cancer, those who have survived and, those we have lost. Cara is always at the top of that honor roll. It is an honor to walk for her memory just as it was an honor to call her friend.

I was taken back home to Nebraska a few years ago, for another reunion. Several of us that graduated from academy together, met for dinner. Dana was there. I was so happy to see her and share news of our lives. I have remarried and had a child, she had finished school and become a certified massage therapist and now owns her own business. Our conversation of course, went to Cara. Dana told me that before Cara died, she had not wanted to see anyone, but when I was home in October before she died, she specifically asked to see me. My heart stopped. Even from the grave, Cara had touched my life, once again. The passage of time did not seem to matter to her, (or I). Our friendship had continued on, as if no break had ever existed.

So, my walk, is for Cara…to touch her, the way she continues to touch me.

Memories

2009-04-13T14:23:00.003-04:00

Mm mm, can you smell it? The cake is baking in the oven. A zucchini cake to be exact. Don't you turn your nose up to it lest you have tried it. It is delicious! Just you wait till the cream cheese frosting is on top! I knew the moment I volunteered to make the dessert for our care group tomorrow night, exactly what I wanted to make. So, I dug out the hand written recipe cards and found it. Zucchini Cake from Laurie (now, Lauren) Edwards. I smiled as I read it. I knew I loved the cake and it brought back wonderful, fun memories; but, seeing her name, it all made sense. I lived in the basement of the house that Denise, James and Lauren shared while working and attending college. It was a wonderful time in my life. So many fun and fond memories I have of that time and I continue to cherish today.

It made me think about how my husband and I differ on certain things in life. If our house were to burn down, I would be devastated. Steve, would not. As long as we were all safe he would be fine. I would want for us to be safe, however, there are so many memories attached to my "things" (as Steve calls them). Yes, I know, they are inanimate objects. But, there is my most cherished tea pot, a Gloria Vanderbilt pot in the shape of a cat that Kara gave me. There is the green depression glass cookie jar that was Grandma Swims. All the beautiful pieces of hand painted pottery I have brought back from France, that bring me closer to my family. There is the beautiful picture of the Eiffel Tower that Rebecca gave me for Christmas one year...yes, I could go on and on. Sam is like me in this respect. He finds it hard to part with treasures given to him by such special friends or family members.

I keep coming back to my hand written recipe cards. I have recipes from so many people in my life--past and present. Each recipe brings back a wonderful memory--and, not just because it may be a delicious thing to eat! One of my newest recipes is from a couple of years ago when we went back to Nebraska to visit my family. Kara and I spent an afternoon baking and cooking, preparing Sabbath dinner together. I helped her by making her peanut butter crunch cake. And, yes, it does taste as good as it sounds! It wasn't so much the recipe, but, the time spent together...sharing and laughing. We don't often get a chance to do that.

So, now, if the house catches fire, I have one more item to add to my list of things to grab...Sam, Steve, Kasey, Alex, cat tea pot, ....and, my hand written recipe cards. But, in actuality, what I really need to remember, is the person behind the inanimate object or recipe. For they are what make the memories to cherish.

Rain

2009-04-11T08:12:00.004-04:00

I love the sound of the rain. I don't necessarily like to run after my dog in the rain, but, I love the rain. There is something to be said about how it refreshes the earth, making everything bright and colorful. After a rain, it's fun to walk outside and see all the latest flowers popping up through the ground. Though not fun to walk and squish, it's also fun to see the worms all around--fresh food for the birds who have been waiting for just such a feast. With every rain, our tree in front of our house, seems to have more beautiful red buds appear. It's funny how one day, I notice the buds then, the next time, it is full of leaves. I want to take the time to concentrate on when the first leaves actually come out. Well, that is a lofty intention. Life always seems to get in the way of that plan. Yes, then those weeds also come out in full force as well. On the good side, they are much easier to pull out after a little rain! It's been a great week off for me and the boys. Not having too much to do, being able to rest and do things we have been putting off. Although, the storage closet has remained closed...next time, perhaps we will get to it. Like the rain, a vacation is good to clear the stress, to bring out the colors in oneself that are often hidden under work, stress, responsibilities...the list goes on and on. Just as rain is good for the earth's soul, vacation is good for ours. So, I think it is appropriate for the last few days of our vacation, that the rain is falling. Reminding us that we have been refreshed and are new, once again.

Grrrrrrr

2009-04-04T12:40:00.004-04:00

Okay, remember the husband in the last blog that I loved and admired...he's about to get his butt kicked to the curb. Why? I'll be happy to tell you why...

I asked if it would be okay today that when he went into work (oh, don't forget, he is on vacation...) that I go and get my threading done. He made that look. Oh, you know the one ladies: "oh, god, here she goes again spending money foolishly." Yes, I got that from just one look. He is famous for it...ask Rebecca, I am certain she has seen it. I said, "what was that look for?" He said, "Why do you do that anyway?" WHY? Is he serious? He wants me to go around with bushy eyebrows, a lovely moustache and hair coming out of my chinny chin chin? Seriously.

He has issues...financial issues. Yes, I have issues to, I like to spend...correction, I used to like to spend unnecessarily. I have changed. Okay, no one mention my purses. They are, after all, what I collect. I digress. Has he not noticed, I have given up my manicures? Has he not noticed that I haven't had my hair cut or colored in two months? Has he not noticed I am out of panty hose and I haven't gone to buy any--all winter? Has he not noticed that I take my lunch to work every day? That I have not been shopping, shopping for a while? That when I go, I am happy to go and watch my friends spend their money?? I finally figured it out, I don't have to spend the money to be happy, simply watching others do it, is fine by me. I like to help people spend their money--help them get that "perfect dress", or the "right pair of shoes", and, even better, "the perfect accessory." My dream job would be a personal shopper. Most of you know this about me. He knows this about me.

I have even started a new venture---selling Cookie Lee jewelry. When I told him Target had the table I need to buy for just $39 he told me, "you seem to be spending all your profits." Um, duh. You have to spend money to make money (I am sure someone important said that). I quickly retorted, "that's how I am able to buy the table, with my profits, so I can make MORE profits."

Yes, right now, we are in a financial bind--we are like most people in these economic times. Yes, our car needs new wheel bearings to the tune of $1,000. Yes, we spent around $4,000 to save our dog, Kasey's life. Yes, are paying for Sam's therapy weekly to the tune of $180 a week (which, I am glad to report, has been changed to every other week...I think that means Sam is doing well!). In the scheme of things, does my $20 threading which I do every 1 to 2 months, make that much of a difference on our finances? Is that another small pleasure I must give up, wait, it's really not so much a pleasure as a necessity in my eyes. I mean really, does he want me to have a moustache and a hairy chin? Perhaps when he gives up going out to lunch every day, I will give up my threading...or not.

Deep Sigh

2009-04-02T21:20:00.007-04:00

Well, the week is almost over...tomorrow is Friday! Have you ever been asked: What's your favorite day of the week? Mine, is actually today...why? I am happy share why! Because once you hit Thursday, you are that much closer to Friday! So, is that logical or what?? Tonight was a night of celebration. My husband reached his goal weight at Weight Watchers and became a lifetime member. I am so proud of his accomplishment, no, seriously, I am. Envious? You bet I am!! I started way before him and have lost nothing compared to his 70 lb. loss in nine months (but, whose counting?). I have had so many ups and downs...oh, I digress...this, was about Steve and his accomplishment...

He is an amazing man. I have long admired him for his sense of self worth, his ability to walk into any situation and take over when needed. He has had a rough go since he started at his new store in August, but, he hasn't given up. It's not an option for him. When he sets his mind to something, he does it. Hence, his success with WW. He had a goal, and stopped at nothing to attain it. He has such a keen sense of humor and is able to laugh, not only with others, but, at himself as well. I enjoy watching him when we are all together with his family. He is an instigator, trust me. He likes to make people laugh and, he has a way of making them feel good about themselves. Yes, sometimes, his "everything will be okay" attitude is annoying, I want or need more; however, that is him. He truly believes "everything will be okay." Because, in his heart of hearts, that's what he wants. When he walks into a room, it's hard not to notice--he does have that boisterous voice!

I really am proud of him (she says as envy hides behind her) for his accomplishment tonight. Not just for tonight, but, for the fourteen years we have been married. He has put up with so much (yes, I think I have too) and, yet, he has steadfastly remained the same. He is my rock...a little lighter now, but, still my rock and, I love him.

The other four letter word...

2009-03-27T16:38:00.001-04:00

Ugh…I feel like a slug. I promise not to rhyme the whole time… Sometimes, I just can’t help myself! Okay, is it feeling like a slug or just feeling sluggish? Not so sure. I am a bit disillusioned. Simply because I am frustrated with trying to change my lifestyle habits…okay, trying to DIET (the other four letter word). Been there, done that successfully, and then, find myself back again and again and…

I am an adult of (at least) average intelligence; I know what needs to be done. Why can’t I do it? Why can’t I rid my mind, body and soul of the desire for food…okay, food that is bad for me? I cannot pinpoint the exact foods that are the culprit. One day it could be an urge for a pop-tart (which, gladly I found are only 5 points on Weight Watchers) or, a desire for a peanut butter, butter and jelly (or, honey) sandwich. When faced between a salad and a sandwich for lunch, I find myself gravitating towards the sandwich. Yes, I am French and yes, I LOVE bread. Although, the salad could be just as filling and tantalizing for the taste buds, I still choose the sandwich. Why, when over to dinner with family, can I not resist the dessert? Whether it’s ice cream (which, believe it or not, I am not a big fan) or a piece of cake, it always ends up in front of me.

Yes, I am an emotional eater, I can easily admit to that. When my parents divorced and my older sister and I were sent to Oregon to live with our grandparents, I packed on almost 200 pounds---by the time I moved back to Nebraska, I was well over 300 pounds. So, I ate my emotions during that time and I still find myself doing it—even though I am acutely aware if what I am doing, I still cannot stop it in its tracks.

So, I am equipped with the knowledge (and tools) to lose weight. Why is it I get so frustrated and want to throw in the towel at every turn? Perhaps, because we live in a society that expects women to look a certain way? No, I don’t believe that is it. I think because I have an expectation of what I want to be and it’s taking too darn long to get there! Instant gratification, yes, we all are guilty of that. I want it off and I want it off NOW! It also doesn’t help that my husband joined WW about five months ago and has already reached his goal. Patience. I never would have thought it was needed—at least in respect to weight loss. I think, even more than willpower, patience is what I need to lose the weight and, keep it off. I think, tonight, when I pray, I will ask the Lord for patience; not just as a mother, wife and friend; but, for my weight loss as well. I’ll keep you posted on how that all works out—good or bad!

A better life...

2009-03-20T17:54:00.005-04:00

Those words are echoing in my ears at the moment. My 10-year-old son, almost 11, just informed me he wished he "had a better life." It's not the first time, nor will it be the last that he says it. He said it just now because he is being punished for telling one of the counselors at Bar-T (his after school care) to "shut up" when the counselor told him he had spilled yogurt and that he needed to clean it up. He's been saying that a lot lately, "shut up." Not just to his counselors, but, to me and his Dad. It's unnerving at best because we don't tell him to shut up. He wants a better life, one that he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and does not have to go to Bar-T. We've tried to compromise. I changed my work hours so that he doesn't have to spend a lot of time there. A better life...it's still echoing.

What bothers me is that he does not realize what a good life he actually has. When I was around his age, my father had a nervous breakdown and life as I knew it, changed...forever. He had to stop teaching and providing for our family. There were seven of us in my family. My parents, my three sisters and one brother and me. I spent a lot of my time taking care of my baby sister and my brother. Then, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, my parents divorced. Things came out in the divorce proceedings that were devastating to each of us. It's really not a lot of fun to go before a judge and tell him who you would rather live with. When, in all truthfulness, all you really wanted was for your family to be put together. It was no fun having my mom tell us kids to put my father's things out on the lawn for him to pick up. And, it wasn't fun being told one person was to blame over the other. No, those things were not fun. Finally, it wasn't fun to go visit your father one day, and, have him go downstairs with your two youngest sisters and only brother and then, just disappear. Never to come back. You sit, you wait, you wonder...what's taking them so long in the basement? What could possibly be that exciting to see? Then, the horror grips your soul. He's gone. Their gone. And, they aren't coming back...

So, when my son says he wishes for a "better life", it infuriates me. He has everything he could possibly want...a mother and a father who love him, are married (dare I say, happily) and live in the same house. He has his basic needs met on a daily basis: food, clothing, warmth, etc. He wanted a dog, he has a dog. He wanted a PS2 he has one. He asked for a Wii, he got one. Now, as I am writing this, I wonder if in my quest to never have him feel the way I did as a child, abandoned and alone, I messed up. Perhaps I am the reason he is the way he is, the reason he wants "a better life." I'm not sure. I will have to think on this some more. I certainly don't have the answers, and, I may not--ever.

One thing I am certain of is that I love him with all my heart, perhaps one day, he'll realize that's what life is all about.

Tired

2009-03-08T08:12:00.006-04:00

It's been a long time since I had to be up in the middle of the night (or, is it considered morning) with my son. It started when I picked him up from his friend, David's house. On the way home, he threw up--over everything in his path...okay, mostly my purse. For Sam, throwing up is torture. I know, nobody likes to do it, but, you really have to be with him sometime to see what I mean. He over analyzes everything, he said when we got home and I was frantically cleaning the mess (don't think the smell is going away any time soon...), "what if I have leukemia?" What? Where did that come from? I confidently told him it was either something he ate or, it was the flu. Which led him to remind me, "but, I had the flu shot, now, I am worried." He called me into his bedroom around 1 a.m. to stay with him. We had to send Kasey down to his crate, because "his breathing" was bothering Sam...I think that Sam was bothering Kasey, but, we won't argue that one. He wanted to know why throwing up was so hard. I tried to explain you sit up, get the bucket and throw up in it. I said, it's a lot like basketball, you aim for the basket and you shoot. To which, I was surprised to hear, "No, I don't." This was going on about 2 a.m. now, and I am not a happy person at that hour with no sleep in sight. Trust me, the horns, pointy tail and fangs come out! I am not June Cleaver at that hour (am I really ever??). He had his bucket right there next to him, all the while, moaning and saying how life wasn't fair and how "getting sick ruined his day." Well, just when I thought we had made the connection that the throw up goes into the bucket (or toilet, my preferred way of disposal), he throws up again, all over his bed. The bucket sat there, dry and clean. So, I tore apart his bed, went downstairs and grabbed some rags to clean the floor and start the washing machine. I put his bed back together and told him to go to sleep, that I would be downstairs on the couch if he needed me. So, around 3 a.m. I headed to the couch, let Kasey out of the crate and laid down. I don't know how new moms do it, I mean, I know I did it (at least once!) with the early morning, late night feedings, waking up, etc. I admire those women who are my age or older who have babies. I think my friends, Rebecca and Christine are amazing. I bow to their awesomeness. I'm tired. Oh, I think that's how this all started...

Date Night

2009-03-06T18:58:00.012-05:00

Oh, it's not what you think, Steve and I haven't been out on a date...date, for a long time! No, tonight, Sam and I headed to Border's. I emailed him on Thursday and asked if we could go tonight to sit, read, talk and have something to drink. He replied simply, "yes, I would like to go." It didn't go exactly the way I had envisioned it, but, it was nice just the same. When we got there, he went directly to his Manga book section while I found a table and ordered an ice tea for myself. I sat down, started doing my Bible study and realized, after a few minutes, Sam had not reappeared. So, I left my books and drink on the table and went to find him. He was sitting on the floor, legs crossed, reading a book, with two more in his lap. I told him where our table was so when he was ready he'd be able to come, sit and get something to drink. Do you know where this is going? So, after another little while, I got back up, left my books on the table and went to him again, this time, he decided it would be okay to join me. He ordered a kids vanilla bean something or other, and went to sit down at the table and, he started reading. Now, I am not sure what I had hoped for, but, it was pretty silent. I tried to ask questions, which only got looks of, "hello, I am reading...." So, after he was done with his vanilla drink, he said, "okay, let's go." What happened to the dream I had of conversing with my ten-year-old son?

My first mistake, was definitely thinking we could talk at the bookstore. He loves to read, just like me. It is something I wished for him, a love of books like mine. My wish came true! He gets so lost in his books, whether it's a Manga book or the latest book by Rick Riordan. He cannot put them down. My second mistake may have been thinking he might want to talk. He's never been one to share. I want him to know his Dad and I are here for him. I think he knows it. I just don't think we've done a very good job of making sure he knows it.

There are so many things about him that I love. He has the most beautiful blue eyes, he got those from his Dad. When you look at them, you know exactly what kind of mood he is in. I love to see his eyes when he smiles. They are like bright, new, sparkling crystals. Most women would be envious of his hair, seriously. My Mom told him that women pay a lot of money to get high lights like his! He wasn't sure how to take it, then, after processing it, took it as the compliment it was meant to be. His blond and brown streaks are perfect! I don't think any hairdresser could duplicate them!! Then, his smile, when he chooses to grace us with it, cannot compare. His laughter is contagious. He has quite the sense of humor. And, his intellect, goes without saying, which, he did not get from me! At least, not his love of math! But, I'd like to think is love of books, writing and history are from me!

The best part about him? His heart. It's so big and full. He hasn't realized his full "heart potential", but, it's there. His kindness towards animals amazes me. He has a soft spot for his cousin, Katie--though, if you asked him, he would deny it! He is loyal and true to his best friend, David. He has been known to say, "let's give these toys/books away to someone that can use them." He treasures the gifts that were given to him by family and friends. He can tell you which relative or friend gave him what t-shirt hanging in his closet. He finds it hard to part with those gifts, after all, they were a gift from the heart of someone he loves.

He is only 10, so, I guess I can wait for him to talk to me. Perhaps what he tells me now, is all I need to know. When he's scared or hurt, he comes to us. I do tell him, every chance I get, how much I love him and how glad I am that he is my baby. He doesn't necessarily like it when I call him my "baby", but, he sure likes it less if I call our dog my baby! He reminds me that HE is the baby!

So tonight didn't go as I had planned, there will be other nights to share and talk. Every day is a new invitation. For now, I will be happy for the discussions at the dinner table about whether or not quesadilla's have crust. Okay, I think I win that argument!

I'm nervous...

2009-02-28T09:51:00.001-05:00

Today is the first time that I am having a fund raiser for my AVON Walk for Breast Cancer event in May. I want to thank my friend, Christine, for doing this with me and for me. She is a Cookie Lee Jewelry consultant and readily agreed to sponsor the event. Pretty much everything is ready---we have the jewelry to sell, the light refreshments and drinks, the door prizes, the information from the AVON Foundation, and decorations.

So, why am I nervous? I suppose it is because I am really not sure how many people are going to attend. Also, this is the first year it has been difficult to reach my fundraising goal. I know, there is a recession going on... Also, did I do enough to get the "word" out about the fundraiser? The RSVP's I received were more of the "NO" than the "yes" or "maybe". I guess my nervousness also stems from the fact, I really don't like being front and center---okay, I know I am a Leo, but, I don't think all Leo's have to be the center of attention, be the BOSS, yes, just not the center of attention!! I want people to know why I walk and what this fund raiser is for. It is to bring awareness to breast cancer---for those who have died, survived or are currently going through treatment. It is also, for those who may not have had breast cancer, but, cancer. I believe, if we find a cure for one cancer, perhaps all the others will follow. I also walk to remember my friend, Cara. I carry her picture and obituary every year that I walk. The fact that we lost touch after during the college years, has nothing to do with that fact that we reconnected only three months before she died. She played a role in my life and I miss her. The Lord blessed me with her friendship, just as he blesses me today with her sister's, Dana. Well, thank you for letting me blog this out with you...I really feel more confident now that today will go well. No matter what, I just need to always remember why I walk....

The Morning Routine

2009-02-25T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those days when I really sucked at being a mom. First, let me ask: is there some kind of “kid code” that says they do not have to get up in the morning, nice, sweet and ready to go? Is it meant to be a battle each and every day?

Truly, I love being a mom. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My son (next to my husband) is my life. However, after mornings like this one, I wonder…

As mom’s, we start our morning routine the night before. We try to get our kids to bed early enough, bathe them, snack them, read to them, whatever it takes to get them to bed in a timely manner. Yet, sometimes, this is where our morning battle begins… they tell us (more like whine to us), “I don’t need to go to bed this early, I can get up in the morning, trust me, pppllleeaassseee???” So, you make deals with the devil, um, I mean your children---okay, we say, if you can get up in the morning for X number of days, without the whining, crying, sock throwing, telling me to shut up, etc., we will change your bed time. Well, right around the second morning, they are back to their whining, sock throwing, “just one more minute” ways, proving yet again, they cannot stay up any later than they already do.

As the adults, we try to set a good example for our children in all we do. “Try” being the key word. Can’t they see that we get up, without too much whining? We get ready without grumbling about being tired? Do they not know the importance of getting to school and work on time? When, exactly, does this knowledge kick in? As a parent, am I failure if at the age of ten, my son doesn’t get it?

The worst part of the morning routine and, why I suck at being a mom, is that the later it gets, the more stressed I get and my voice gets louder and louder. Out the door are the niceties, “honey, please get up, really, you need to get up, NOW”!!! Every minute that ticks off the clock, I get more and more upset with him. So, I am threatening (no, surprisingly, not his life) no more games, TV, or computer time. If you are not dressed in two minutes (to which I hear yelled back to me “NO ONE CAN GET DRESSED IN TWO MINUTES.”) you get 30 minutes on the couch when you get home. Surprisingly, the yelling, threatening, punishing, doesn’t seem to do a thing. In fact, I think it makes him move slower. Is that possible? He tells me I am being selfish---how am I being selfish getting him up, making sure he has clean clothes, a good lunch and getting him to school on time??

Then, as you are seething and finally in the car ready to drive him to school, 15 minutes late, you forget to adjust your seat and say “sh__.” Which in response gets your son to say, “That is a cuss word.” Really, thank you for telling me, he who has made me late, stressed and short tempered… But, wait, what did he say? That I cussed. I know I shouldn’t have, it just slipped out, but, he caught it and called me on it---much the same way we do to him if he even mouths the word “crap”. He seems to have learned that cussing is bad, in any situation. So, perhaps, I don’t really suck as a mom. Perhaps he is learning...perhaps when he's 11, he’ll have this morning routine down… A mom can dream, can’t she?

Girly Girl

2009-02-23T18:22:00.001-05:00

My friend, Claire, approached me at Church on Sunday to tell me how cute my hair looked and added what a “girly girl” I was. After I left her to take my seat, I kept thinking about what she called me a “girly girl”. After years of striving to be called beautiful, it made me wonder, what exactly makes a girly girl?

Growing up short and chubby (okay, fat) with a very butch haircut, all I ever wanted was to be called beautiful. Cute was always the adjective used to describe me, “oh, Monique is cute.” Of course, there was the addition of “if she would just lose weight…” I often wondered, would that regal me to the status of beautiful, for which I dreamed?

High school was better, although most of the girls in my class thought we were all fat, looking back at our class pictures, we realize, we were not. The pressure to be thin was always present, even way back in the ‘80’s. Though heavier than most of the girls, wearing a size 12, I did have a boyfriend or two, but, they always described me as cute and funny. The addition of funny was a step up, but, still not the beautiful I was shooting for.

College came and went…okay, it wasn’t that bad. I actually had a boyfriend. Sure, there were guys that took me out, because, I was cute, oh, and funny. They enjoyed my friendship—I had a lot of male friends in college. One of whom, did turn out to be a boyfriend, so, wow, that makes two boyfriends in college! He decided not to return to college in the fall and we dated long distance during the summer. He told me, yes, he actually told me this that I “was the type of girl he had always wanted to marry”. Yes, it was, at the time, euphoric. It quickly ended when we broke up at the end of the summer, the long distance thing just wasn’t working for him—even though, I was the “type of girl he could marry.” Again, even though I was the girl of his dreams, at the moment; telling me I was beautiful, just never happened.

After college and a failed marriage, I decided to move to Maryland. I had lost weight and was in the best shape—not just physically, but, emotionally as well I had ever been in. I had more dates than I knew what to do with! Men were actually flirting with me AND asking me out! The cute/chubby girl from Nebraska was rockin! Again, the terms used to describe me were fun, flirty, cute…there was that cute again. Beautiful, hadn’t even been brought up…I met my husband of fourteen years after the dating onslaught ended, well, it ended after our first date. We knew the moment we met that we were meant to be. So, after a short courtship and engagement, we got married. My husband’s favorite question is “Did you take your pretty pill today”? Yes, corny. And, at first, endearing and appreciated. At times, I reply, “no, I’ve run out”, or “yes, ten of them”…depends on my mood! Though, I am certain he has told me I am beautiful, I cannot remember specific times, perhaps our wedding day? What I equate with my husband, is that I am pretty (but, only if I have taken my pretty pill for the day!).

So, “girly girl”…what makes me a “girly girl”? Is it the fact that I am a wife, a mother, or that I have a full time job? Could it be that I am fiercely devoted to my friends and family? Could it be that I am a participant every year in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer? Might it be my hair, my clothes and my jewelry that compliment my body and shouts who I am? Could it be all these things? So, I am thinking, girly girl…may just be the new way of saying beautiful. Thanks, Claire, for making me a “girly girl”.

Why Blog?

2009-02-21T12:16:00.000-05:00

I wrote something, that was on my mind and I let a couple of friends read it and, I even sent it to the Washington Post to be considered for their Sunday Magazine...not sure what will happen with that. So, after reading it, one of my friends, Joyesha (okay, Joy), told me "you should write a blog." My other friend, Joyce (or, Joycie Pie), keeps telling me what a good writer I am. That I should do "something" with it. So, it brings me to this place, unknown yet, exciting. A place to put my thoughts down. Remember, they are just that--my thoughts. No one has to agree, or, disagree. So, there you have it, why I have decided to blog. I am sure I am not the first, nor the last to have someone say---hey, you should write a blog...so, if you choose to read my blog---thank you and I hope you stick around. Oh, you are wondering about what I wrote? Tell you what, watch for it in the next few days...it's called Girly Girl...

Invisible

2009-02-20T21:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, and, only sometimes, I feel invisible. Whether it's at work or in a social setting. I can feel non-existent. Do you ever feel that way? Take for example, when I gladly accepted the call to help with my son's Valentine's Day party at school. Sam is in 5th grade and, next year will be in middle school. On with my story...I walk in to the all purpose room where we were told to meet at 1:30 p.m.--on time and ready to work. I walk in and there are several women standing around, all in little cliques, talking. No one, and I do mean NO ONE, stopped to say, welcome, we are glad you are here to help. They did the once over on me and moved on with their conversations. Granted, I am not a stay a home mom, I do not get the chance to volunteer at the school, so I do not know a lot of the women--but, some of them I did, and, they didn't even acknowledge me. Talk about invisible. I finally got the nerve to offer one of the mom's (who I know knew me, but, ignored me, until I forced the issue) my help as she was preparing a big sign. It made me realize that I don't ever want to be that kind of person--who isn't warm and inviting or welcoming. Just because someone isn't the right size or isn't wearing the right outfit, that doesn't make them invisible. I was just wondering if anyone else had ever felt that way? I am certain some of it stems from the reputation my son has at the school, which, we will get into at another time and blog!